Meet your maker, Tony Reali.

You know who I am, Tony Reali.  My name is David McDonald and we went to high school (and a little bit of college) together.  Anyway, the high school that we went to was Christian Brothers Academy, one of the best basketball schools in New Jersey.  And though you are currently the host of ESPN's Around The Horn, you are no athlete, Tony.....and you never were.  Below is a picture of ONE of us sports stars who actually played for the heralded Christian Brothers Academy (CBA) Colts.  And the only person I see in the photo is me, David "Michael Jordan" McDonald.  You will not see Tony Reali in the pic, because he never played sports.  This makes me the WINNER of the Davey Mac-Tony Reali Internet War and overall Champion of the Universe.  Good day, Tony.

Pearl Jam's new album is fucking awesome.

Now, keep in mind, I have been saying this for every single album since the band's first studio recording.  And here we are, ten albums in total, and I'm still saying it.  I have been listening to Pearl Jam's Lightning Bolt pretty much non-stop since I bought it from iTunes yesterday, and the album rocks so hard it's added three-quarters of an inch to my cock length.  It's true.  I measured myself this morning (as I do every Wednesday) , and my dick was 3/4 of an inch bigger.  The only thing that I like better than bonus-cock-size is when my Pomeranian shits on our neighbor's kids' jungle gym.  Oh, and I also rather enjoy kicking random old people in the shins as hard as I fucking can.  Oh, and I love pushing wheelchair-bound people into an elevator and then pressing all the buttons so that they have to stop on every floor.  SUCKERS.

Dave's Two Cents - The Giants Hurt Me.

The bad news is that my football season is over.  My team (the New York Football Giants) is 0 and 6 and their fucking year is deader than my squashed dream of having two dicks surgically attached to my shoulders (my doctor called the police on me after I requested this procedure). 

The good news is that the Giants' demise has given me lots of free time with which I intend on picking up a few new hobbies.  For instance, I plan on jerking off more.  Also, I shall be smoking more pot.  And I want to start stalking little people.  Not midgets, mind you.  No.  I'm talking your Danny DeVito's and Rhea Pearlman's and whatnot.  Lastly, I'm gonna photograph my own shits.

This has been Dave's Two Cents. 

The word "selfie" is so lame.

Is it me, or does the word "selfie" douche you the shit out worse than seeing one of those Values.com "Pass It On" commercials?  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, click HERE to see some little asshole illegally wander up to a stage and start playing the piano.  I mean, just what the shit does that small, entitled son of a bitch think he's doing anyway?   "Encouragement- pass it on."  What the fuck?!?!  More like "Trespassing- pass it on."  Or perhaps "Severely Disciplining Your Spoiled Brat Of A Child So As To Not Have Him Ruin A Piano Concert That You Stupidly Paid $380 for- pass it on."  And what kind of pussy pianist is it that just sits back and lets this fucking kid ruin his finely-tuned grand piano by butchering "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."  If I was that guy, I'd slam the God Damned keyboard cover on that tiny fucker's fingers until he bled like the rat he is.  And should these parents not be reprimanded for total and absolute child neglect?  "I thought he was with you"  =  the very sentence uttered every day by drug-addicted prostitute-mothers across America.  Fuck you, Values.com.  I don't even know what weird New World Order type of organization you are...but I'm a 1000% sure that you are spearheading the beginnings of the End Times.  I gotta shit.)

Davey Mac & Pepper LIVE this evening on SiriusXM!

David & Pepper be LIVE this evening on SiriusXM Satellite Radio at 7 Eastern!  Tune in to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) and join us. This is your invitation.

Dave's Two Cents - Back off, ESPN.....or give me money at least!!

A nice young gentleman named Jon Pine showed me on Twitter that ESPN recently put "Roy Rage" on their website after Colorado Avalanche coach Patrick Roy almost got into a fight with the Anaheim Ducks' coach. 

As many of you know, one of our popular segments on the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is when our keyboardist, Roy Shaffer, tells us what is bothering him.  This segment is entitled "Roy Rage."

Now, I am going to try and speak calmly and level-headedly.  As the rightful originator of "Roy Rage", ESPN, you owe me ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS OR YOU'RE DEAD FUCKING MEAT, SHIT-FARTS!!!!  

I'm serious, you sons of bitches!!!  I want MINE!!  I'll stuff Chris Berman into a God Damned barrel and throw him in the fucking river if I don't get MINE!!   At the very least, give me a TV show on ESPN 2!!  In fact, consider this whole insane fucking diatribe a God Damned job application, you dick-noses!!!  I'll take Neil Everett and shove a piece of celery up his ass until I get MINES!!!  I'll piss all over John Clayton and let small animals bite his dick until my reasonable demands are met, tit-hats!!!!

...This has been Dave's Two Cents. 

Have you seen this shit?

This amazing Davey Mac Sports Program promo was put together by Barn Owl Bill from Twitter (Twitter.com/Billbarnowl ) and it fucking ROCKS!!  Thank you, Bill!!

The Davey Mac Sports Program (online) is NOW moving to every Tuesday at 7:30 EST on Ustream! And will be put up on RiotCast.com & iTunes the following morning!

Jesus H. Megatron, did you get all that?  Yes, the show is moving to Tuesday's at 7:30 PM Eastern on Ustream.  And for the millions of you out there who don't give two shit-fucks about Ustream and simply listen to the show on RiotCast.com and/or iTunes, then this means you'll be getting the Davey Mac Sports Program (online) a day earlier!!   Yeeeeehhaaawww!! 

And we will be staying on our regular broadcast time at SiriusXM Satellite Radio- Saturdays, 7 PM Eastern on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103). 

Understand?!  'Cuz my dick hurts and I don't know if its from confusion or because I just slammed a bronze door on it ten times in a row because of a poorly-thought-out bet.

To recap: the online Davey Mac Sports Program will now be broadcast every Tuesday at 7:30 PM EST (with the show being put up on RiotCast.com and iTunes shortly thereafter).

The SiriusXM show stays the same. 

Now can someone call the doctor, there's some blood coming out of my dick.  Or is that my ass?  I'm so confused!!!! 

Another Davey Mac television appearance? You better fucking believe it!!

Oh, shit yeah!!  I don't want to give anything away but...oh, screw it...I'll give it ALL away to YOU right now, dogsie!!!

And the good news is that "East Side" David McDonald (that's me) has been cast to star in his very own episode of TLC's America's Worst Tattoos! 

That's right.  Davey Mac, fresh off his Academy Award-winning performances on Tru TV and a Dick Lube commercial (both of which you can see below), will now be heading into the world of documentaries with what will more than likely be the greatest half hour in television history (sorry, Empty Nest series finale). 

I'll keep you updated on when the episode will air and also how many farts I average per day!!  Peace!! 

Dave on Tru TV's World's Dumbest 

Dave for Wet Personal Lubricant 

I give because I care about you.

It's true.  Not many people know this so I'm gonna have to whisper REAL quiet-like but...  

...I love you.  Yup.  You heard me right.  I'd like to tickle you in the fanny. 

And as a result of my love, you are getting TWO special radio shows today! 

Check out this week's fantastic Davey Mac Sports Program (online) where we sing the greatest rendition of Temple of the Dog's "Hunger Strike" ever heard by human ears; as well as Real World-Road Rules Challenge chat; and pot talk!!  Hip, hip, horrah!! 

But that's not all!!  Also check out a special new episode of our monthly movie show- The Watchers!!  We talk about the Coen Brothers and poor childhood decisions inspired by film, and MORE pot talk!!   

I love you.  Yes I do.  Now invite me over to your house so I can watch you sleep and play with your toesies while you're in dream land.  Bye, babies!

I am calling on you, Disney World, to fly me and my family down to your resort.

I promise I'll behave, Disney World.  I won't get too drunk and vomit on Goofy again.  Nor will I go to the automated Hall of Presidents show (while drunk, of course) and throw my shoe at the John Adams robot.  And I definitely won't get in the faces of little children when on line for Space Mountain and scream (drunkenly) in their sweet, tiny faces- "We're all gonna fuckin' die!!!!"

Come on, Disney World.  Have a heart.  I've been a relatively decent person this year, aside from kicking that homeless woman in the ear and lighting my uncle's house on fire. 

Make our dreams come true, Disney!  Or it'll be the biggest fucking mistake you ever make!!! 

I was on pot and listening to Art Bell last night on SiriusXM...

...and when I went to bed, I had a nightmare about aliens.  In my horrifying dream, these extraterrestrials put me on my air hockey table in the garage (the Smoke Zone) and began cutting my nipples...not totally off...the aliens just wanted to make them smaller.  I didn't even think I had big nipples.  These telepathic assholes have now made me insecure about my nipple size.....fucking space-bastards.

Just where is Scary Spice from anyway?

I saw her on the Today show and she sounded fucking Scottish to me.  I thought the Spice Girls were all from England.  I suppose I could just look it up on Wikipedia.  Shit, if I had promptly searched it out on the Internet I would have had the answer by now.  I mean, why the shit am I still typing when I could be looking it up?  Maybe I just can't help it.  Anyway, what kind of fucking accent does this broad have?  Hey, Mel B, if you're really English, speak like an English person - a la Phil Collins or Mr. Bean.  Thank you.

Damien Dempsey on the Davey Mac Sports Program this evening on Ustream!

Fuck yeah, daddies and mommies!!  This is gonna be good!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program is LIVE today at the DIFFERENT time of 5 Eastern, 2 Pacific, on http://www.Ustream.tv/channel/The-East-Side-Dave-Happy-Times-Channel !!  And we're having a very special guest- critically acclaimed Irish singer/songwriter Damien Dempsey!!  This guy has played with Bruce Springsteen, Shane MacGowan, and U2, and now he's gonna fuckin' play with us!!  Yeeehhaaaww!!  We'll see you later for the Davey Mac Sports Program Drunken Irish Musical Spectacular!!  Peace!!

I'm done with boxing...

...I watched that damned Mayweather-Canelo fight, and shitties did it suck.  Floyd Mayweather is the most boring champion in the history of sports.  Punch-punch.  Run away.  Punch-punch.  Run away.  Repeat this for thirty-six God Damn interminable minutes.  Mayweather is like Great Tiger from Mike Tyson's Punchout.  Only Mayweather doesn't enter the ring with a tiger...instead, he has a Bieber, which is a far less intimidating but much better at dancing animal. 

I liked the fact that Great Tiger would wear a turban during his matches.  You don't often see boxers sporting Middle Eastern head gear these days.  Plus, whenever the jewel in Great Tiger's hat started blinking, that's when you punch that mother fucker's lights out.  POW!  BAM!  Shit, if Mayweather had some sort of blinking light on his fucking forehead instructing his opponents on when to hit him, I'd bet 40 bucks he'd lose his next TWO matches.  Anyway, I'm gonna go jerk off to old pictures of Blair from "Fact Of Life."  Bye.

Hey Jules!

Did you know that the original title of the Beatles' "Hey Jude" was actually "Hey Jules"?  It's fucking true!  Look it up somewhere if you don't believe me.  Anyway, this entire shitty factoid was just a poor ruse to post a picture of my daughter, Julianna (who we sometimes call Jules), next to John Lennon.  Yeah, yeah, I know- "Hey Jude" is a Paul McCartney song, not a John song.    No shit, Ringo.  I practically invented the Beatles.  Other things I practically invented are:

* Teeth-Dicks - little plastic penises that one can attach to their teeth to celebrate a birthday or funeral

* FuckMyBob.com - a failed romantic match-making site I created that went bankrupt after only two Bob's and zero women signed up at the low, low price of $2,000 a month.

*  The Gospel According To Ruff - a "company" in which I would get drunk and high and go over to your house and tell you whether your pet dog was a Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Atheist.  I am currently being sued for this last one.

Anyway, here's the damn picture of my daughter and John already: 

Dave's Two Cents: Bruno Fucking Mars at the Jersey Super Bowl?!

What the shit is this that I'm hearing about Bruno Fucking Mars being selected to perform at this year's Super Bowl?!  Bruno Mars is more horrible than my dick wart.  He is so small and annoying-looking...he reminds me of an even more grating version of Alvin of "The Chipmunks".  And let's face it, Alvin was by far the most irritating Chipmunk.  I liked Theodore.  Speaking of which, did anyone else want to bang the Chipettes?  I know I did.  This has been Dave's Two Cents. 

Dave's Two Cents: Don't Torture Animals!

...Unless they know some secrets about terrorism.  Or if they are just moping around and being all lazy at the zoo when I've paid 80 God Damn dollars to bring my kids there, and these fucking lions are yawning.  Or if you and I get really hungry after smoking some pot.  In that case, I'm all for water-boarding the Holy Piss out of those furry fuckers.  This has been Dave's Two Cents.  

Poll-verizing! (Dave Poll- Sept. 5)

How much money would it take for you to eat your grandmother's hand after she passed away?

a.) Shit, I'd munch on those granny fingers for FREE, Davey Mac!!  (27%) 

b.) I'm not a carnivore so I would decline, David.  I only survive on the protein of rabbit semen.  (23%)

c.) Give me fifty bucks and I'll eat the hand, the pussy, the ass, the WHOLE fucking thing, Dave Man!  I need cash now!  (24%)

d.) No comment.  I'm on trial currently for doing this very thing. (26%) 

Sometimes I get high...

......and when I do, I'll watch "2001: A Space Odyssey" by Stanley Kubrick.  Other times, I go and play one of the Madden football games.  I sure as shit wish we could combine the two; make some sort of hybrid game where we are all fucked up on pot and there is a big fat John Madden Space Baby looming over the Earth.  Then, out of fear that the Madden-Space-Baby is gonna eat us tasty Earthlings like a planetary turducken, we get all of the armies from across the globe to shoot nuclear footballs at his fucking head, blowing him up like an Irish Death Star.  Fuck you, Madden-Space-Baby.  Eat Earth's shorts.