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The 12-12-12 Benefit Concert was last night and it kicked ass!! Who was your favorite?
a.) Bruce Springsteen (18%)
b.) The Rolling Stones (18%)
c.) Eddie Vedder & Roger Waters (17%)
d.) Silver Dick-Hole (16%)
e.) The Sheila Fartz Band (14%)
f.) Petey Cum & The Bunty Boys (17%)
Heads up, homies!! The Davey Mac Sports Program is SCHEDULED to be LIVE tonight on USTREAM!! 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!! That is, of course, unless a 12-12-12 Benefit Concert ticket miraculously drops into my lap. If I SHOULD get a ticket, we shall postpone the show until Thursday!! But let's be honest, the odds of that happening are about as slim as Andy Dick acting like a sober, heterosexual man. I have about as much of a chance of turning my jizz into ketchup as I do of getting a ticket to the show. And trust me, I've TRIED to turn my jizz into ketchup by ways of masturbation, tomatoes, black magic, and pornographic voodoo dolls...but I just can't fucking do it!! So, barring that musical miracle, tune in at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, to USTREAM!! And check my TWITTER and/or FACEBOOK accounts to confirm!!! Peace!!
Tonight is the 12-12-12 Benefit Concert! Performing: Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, The Who, Eddie Vedder, Roger Waters, AND MORE!! Do any of you guys have an extra ticket?!?!
a.) If I did, I sure as shit wouldn't give it to YOU, Dave Man!! I'd rather fuck your ass with a Twizzler and eat it!! And I'm not sure who that would be punishing...ME or YOU!! #DrunkAgain (24%)
b.) That list of artists did NOT include Morrissey or The Fuck Town Boys...thus I am NOT interested, David. (21%)
c.) I got a ticket for you, Davey Mac!! All you just have to do is help me jerk off my dead Uncle Clifford! (35%)
d.) Don't ask me, Dave, I HATE concerts. I much putting a live snake in my dick-hole. (20%)
(I could drink some beer and watch these all day...)
My head keeps getting flashing pain on the right temple. It feels like someone is punching me on the side of the face. What is going?
a.) You probably feel that way because I AM punching you in the head, Dave Man!!! You still owe me thirty-five dollars for betting me that the ending to Super Mario Brothers 2 resulted in them having sex! You lied!!!
b.) It's probably stress, David. You should do what I do when I need to relax- I find the nearest old age home and kick the first two residents I see in the dick.
c.) My head hurts, TOO, Davey Mac!! Maybe I should stop huffing pesticides while drinking rubbing alcohol!! Whooaaaa!!
d.) Hopefully you don't have what my pet rabbit, Plucky, had- Exploding Head Disease.
Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? a.) Fuck no, Davey Mac!! I'm still in the county jail after I went to the local mall, sat on Santa's lap, and shit on it while under the influence of LSD!! Wowee zowee! (24%)
b.) I do all my Christmas shopping online, David. So far I've gone to Amazon.com and bought my usual stocking-stuffers of black dildos, shotgun shells, and Animal Fucker magazine. (25%)
c.) I'm not allowed outside, Dave Man, ever since I shot and killed Rudolph and hung him on my wall!! At least...I thought it was Rudolph! It actually turned out to be my Uncle Gary!! Whoops! (25%)
d.) I love Christmas shopping!! It's a great time to get out of the house and think of others!! Plus, you can use shopping as an alibi when you detonate an explosive under your asshole-neighbor's house and blow him the fuck up!!! (26%)
Shit YES!! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE on Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!! Tune to The Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 105) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for the show so spectacular it once caused Mark Hamill's dick to fall off ("It's true. It fell right off. I guess you can call me Luke Nodicker now..." - Mark Hamill, Sept. 18, 2012). Topics for the show shall include:
* Christmas- is it proper to give your loved one a bottle of booze and a dildo?
* Eye balls- when you're really high, which we are now, it feels like they're trying to get you to confess something...maybe we should stick some needles in them to shut them up...
* America's most beloved sitcom dad, Dick Chummy (star of the classic ABC show, Daddy Got Fired!), discusses his new auto-biography- I Had Sex With All Of My Co-Stars...including the dog, Barkie)
* Famous chiropractor, Dr. Saul Tokker, talks about his self-help book, Christopher Reeve And Stephen Hawking Are A Couple Of Pussies
* Chocolate chips - they kind of remind me of midget poop
* The world's greatest billiards player, "Cocky" Joe McDuffle, chats up his new documentary- I'm Cocky Joe & I Slam My Dick-Hole With Cue Balls
See you guys on Saturday!!!
Would do you think of my new movie- Big David Vs. The Little Dave's?
a.) I wouldn't see it if you paid me a million dollars and fucked my ass with a baby rabbit while sticking a cactus in my mouth and forcing me at gunpoint to call you "Grandma Titty" while my nipples were being burned by midgets!!! ...Yeah...yeah, I know...I'm into some weird shit... (26%)
b.) I don't like going to the movie theater, David. Too many people. I prefer staying home and compiling a list of celebrities that I'd like to fart on. (25%)
c.) This is gonna be the BEST movie EVER, Davey Mac!! Is there a part when "Big David" stomps on an under-privileged orphanage? If not, I'll gladly blow one up for you if it'll help the film!!! (24%)
d.) I'm not allowed to go to the movies ever since I was caught masturbating while on the popcorn line. (25%)
A special, spectacular, and even fuck-able episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program is NOW available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Download the shit (for FREE)!! Subscribe to the show (for FREE)!! Touch the groin area (for FREE)!! The guys talk about gun control, Christmas, Rex Ryan, Southerners, Dennis Miller, exploding bridges, aliens, and MORE!! Go to RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes to enjoy the shit out of the show that is "so great it makes my head hurt!" - Chris "Corky" Burke
The first legal medical marijuana dispensary has just opened up in New Jersey! What should we do, dogsie?!
a.) We should pretend we have a "back problem", Dave Man, grab some legal weed, smoke it, listen to some Floyd, and then go on a coke-heroin-crack-'shrooms-ether-and-gin bender while robbing Walmarts!!! Gateway Drug, welcome!!! (26%)
b.) You should NOT take advantage of the medical marijuana, David. It's for people who are really sick...like myself. I don't know if I told you, but my dick has the flu...which is why I put six to eight joints in my cock-hole every day. (24%)
c.) Let's get some medical herb and bake some pot brownies, and maybe some pot lasagna, and some pot hors d'oeuvres and pot pot roast and...you know, forget this marijuana shit, I think I'm just gonna enroll in culinary school!! Yeeehhaaww! (23%)
d.) I'm high as FUCK right now, Davey Mac!! Someone spit Jell-O into my ass!! (27%)
Oh shit yeah, baby-faces!!! The Davey Mac Sports Program runs free TONIGHT like a pretty deer on its way to stick its deer-dick in a fresh stream, LIVE on USTREAM!! Join Dave, Pepper, Sean O & Roy Shaffer at 7 PM Eastern (4 Pacific) for a show so great that it once gunned down three-quarters of the wild-life in Long Island, including Joey Buttafuoco!! We're gonna rock it harder than that pretty little deer we were talking about earlier who, unbeknownst to him as he peacefully sips from the stream, is about to be sodomized by a bear!!! See you tonight on USTREAM!! Peace!!
I saw Reservoir Dogs in the theater yesterday because of the two-night Tarantino XX event (tomorrow is Pulp Fiction). It fucking rocked! What was your favorite part of Reservoir Dogs?
a.) I liked when Mr. Blonde cuts the cop's fucking ear off, Dave Man, and started speaking to it!! Yeeehhaaww!! (22%)
b.) I enjoyed when Mr. Blonde sliced the cop's dick off, David, and started petting it. (24%)
c.) I loved it when Mr. Blonde chopped the cop's ass off, Davey Mac, and put it on his head while shouting, "Look at me! I'm Pig-Butt Man!!" (26%)
d.) I liked when Mr. Blonde decapitated Gerry Rafferty and said that he was now the owner of Stealer's Head. Boom! (28%)
Kate Middleton is pregnant! What does this mean for the Royal Family? a.) It means I'm gonna jerk off all day to the image of a naked British woman who has a little golden crown coming out of her pussy!! Yeeehhaaww!! (27%)
b.) I do not care about the Royal Family, David. My loyalty only lies with Princess Jizz and Prince Fart- two imaginary monarchs who I have created in my head while on pain-killers and tequila. (25%)
c.) This is the best day for England since A Flock Of Seagulls were hog-tied to each other and set on fire in Piccadilly Circus!! (25%)
d.) I hope the baby turns out to have three eyes and an over-sized mouth and eats Kate when he comes out of her vag!! (23%)
How was your weekend, dogsies?
a.) AWESOME, Dave Man!! I found my long-lost birth father after searching for him for twenty years and when I finally met him, I farted on his head before chopping his dick off!! I should probably not snort methamphetamine's before reuniting with family!!!! Arrggghhhhh!!! (26%)
b.) Instead of staying in, I actually went out for a change, David, and it felt good. I decided to go to the orphanage where I was raised and burn it to the ground before detonating a bomb in the local zoo. (25%)
c.) We rocked and rolled, Davey Mac!! And by "we", I mean my invisible friend and rapist, Mr. Chuckles!! I hope Mr. Chuckles can evade the police after what he did to that homeless woman! (24%)
d.) I did what I ALWAYS do on the weekend, Dave- I glued my cock to a dartboard and threw steak knives at it! Puh-ZOW! (25%)
Hey, homies! The Davey Mac Sports Program XL will not be on this Saturday on Sirius XM due to the weekend-long tribute to the late, great comedian, Patrice O'Neal. It should be a wonderful listen to the very talented Patrice so tune in, all weekend long, to The Opie & Anthony Channel on Sirius XM Satellite Radio! And next Saturday, December 8th, be ready for Davey Mac to return to his regular spot of 7 PM Eastern (4 Pacific) on Saturday for a kick-ass program!! Go to Sirius XM for more info!! RIP, Patrice!
I think I'm going into New York City to stroll around during Christmastime. Where should I go first?
a.) You should head to Cockefeller Center to see the 80-foot dick!!! Hahahaha!!! I'm on acid, Dave Man!! (26%)
b.) I don't like New York, David...too dirty. Instead, I enjoy staying home and putting different sized nails in my dick-hole. (25%)
c.) If I were you, Davey Mac, I'd go to Santa's S&M Shop and get my ass toilet-plungered by Rudolpha The Mistress!! YOWWWWW!!! (25%)
d.) You should go to Macy's famous Christmas window and shit on it. (24%)
Shit yeah, brothers and sisters!! The Davey Mac Sports Program (aka "The show so great it made me slap the piss out of third-world orphans" - The Ghost of Mother Theresa) is NOW available (for free) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Check it the fuck out!! We have altar boy stories!! Jets fans tales!! Horrible confessions!! And more!! Listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program (aka "The show that I can most relate to" - The Ghost of Jeffrey Dahmer), NOW available (for free) on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!! Peace!!!
I've put up all of my Christmas decorations and lights!! I'm excited!! What's YOUR favorite decoration that you own?
a.) I have a six-inch Santa Claus that's fucking a reindeer in the ass, Dave Man!!! It was a Christmas present from my mom three years ago!! Yay!! (23%)
b.) I usually hang up my own dried cum on the window, David. Merry Christmas. (26%)
c.) I just steal my neighbor's stuff and glue it to my fucking roof!! And if they try to get it back!! BLAM!! That's the sound of my X-Mas bazooka goin' off, Davey Mac!! (27%)
d.) I don't celebrate Christmas. I only observe the Holiday of all Holidays: Throw A Water Balloon Filled With Shit At The Mailman Day. (24%)
Oh, YEAH, dogsies!! It's that glorious time of the week where the Davey Mac Sports Program will jizz out its magic LIVE on USTREAM!! Join us at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific for a show that promises to be more fun than chewing on your neighbor's dog's tail in an attempt to "teach him a lesson". It's gonna be more enjoyable than taking your sister's diary and throwing it at blind people!!! It's gonna be greater than the time President Lincoln slapped the shit out of Thomas Jefferson in Heaven!!! Join David, Pepper, Sean O, and Roy Shaffer tonight on USTREAM!!
The Powerball Lottery is up to $500 million!! What would you do if you won the money?
a.) I'd make the biggest ice cream cone in the world and immediately shove it up your ass, Dave Man!!! Yeeeeeehhaaawww!!! Drinking on a Wednesday morning is fuckin' fun!!! (26%)
b.) I think I would donate it to my favorite charity, David- Kids With Diseases Who Want To Fuck Small Animals Before They Die (24%)
c.) I'd buy a minor league baseball stadium...and then blow it the fuck up like the Death Star!!! (23&)
d.) I think I'd be pretty humble with the cash. I'd only buy an Angelina Jolie cloning machine and make a dozen Angelina's while I banged each of them in my new hybrid Lamborghini-Helicopter. (27%)
