Real World: Vegas from the East Side Part 8

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 8 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VIII The Yin & Yang of Boring Whores

I can't believe how bad the Real World: Las Vegas 2011 show is.  On paper last week should have been good.  To give you bullet points: 1.) the room-mates talk about Dustin sucking asses like they were cherry lollipops  2.) Dustin's friends comes over and one of them has sex with Cooke 3.) Naomi has a pregnancy and STD test because Leroy most likely gave her the Clap 4.) Heather and Nany make out in a hot tub and fuck each other in a bed 5.) Dustin, now broken up with Heather, decides to have intercourse with the only other room-mate who will touch him- Cooke.

You:  Shit, Davey Mac! That sounds like an episode so chock full of action I'd like to rip off my dick!!

Me: Don't rip it off quite yet, Friend! It's not that exciting!

You: Are you sure, Davey Mac? I REALLY want to rip my dick off!!

Me: I know you do, amigo, I know you do.

But the truth is- it was a fairly boring episode.  I needed the help of Budweiser and my kids' coloring books just to get myself through the show.  (FYI- kids don't like it when you color all of the Yo Gabba Gabba characters black and tell them that Brobey has just started a Goth Band with his pals.  Apparently they do not know what Goth is.)

You: Can I at least TEAR my dick if you won't allow me to rip it off?

Me: No.

Let's briefly go over those bullets points one by one.  1.) the room-mates did talk about Dustin's adventures in the fun world of internet porn again, yet came to non-judgmental, mild opinions.  They seem fine with Dustin now......fuckers!!! They let this braggart/cock-nose off the hook?!?! Those weak-minded fools, throw 'em into the Sarlacc Pit! Or at the very least feed them to the Rancor monster!!! Hey, guess who watched "Jedi" recently?!

2.) One of Dustin's friends did in fact bang Cooke.  But this guy named Marze was more boring than an A&E King of Cars marathon. (By the way, who the fuck thought a good idea for a reality show would be one of humanity's more painful experiences- buying a car at a used car shop? I guess it was better than King of Tax Accountants).

(Remember this shit?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmExavNky3s&feature=player_embedded

3.) Regarding Naomi's STD and pregnancy test: She's NOT pregnant and thus Leroy is........NOT THE FATHER.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz69Qr5dIdk&feature=player_embedded

.......but on the bright side- Naomi may have the Clap and at the very least a vaginal infection!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNe8bBpgV8Y&feature=player_embedded

Point number 4.  Yes, Nany and Heather hook up in and out of a hot tub.  OK, I have not much to complain about here.

Number 5.  While Dustin and Cooke having intercourse like the two ex-athletes they are (I picture lots of dick-dunks and clitoris-high fives between the two of them) causes some drama.....is it enough?  I don't honestly know...I'm still wondering what a clitoris-high five would be and what it would look like.

So in summation- lots of plot?  No!!!!!! Boring poop!!!!!

You: Dave, what if I've ACCIDENTALLY removed my penis?

Me: Was it really an accident?

You: Ummm........no.

Me: I didn't think so.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 7

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 7 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published May 3, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VII

Things Are Not What They Seem

Oh Dustin.   Dustin, Dustin, Dustin.  When you have skeletons in the closet, 'tis best not to judge others.  Especially if you have a history of sucking those skeletons' asses and posting the videos online.  That's right.  In one of the least surprising developments on the Real World since Reigndance not winning a Grammy, Dustin Zito (that of such homophobic tutorials as "men and women were put on the earth for one reason: to procreate!" and less enlightening proverbs like "eww....that shit is gay!"), THAT Dustin, has been been keeping a secret- he was on a website where frat boys would pose nude.  And that's all......well......and sometimes jerk themselves off in front of the camera.........and?.........ok, and sometimes jerk each other off in hot tubs......................and?..................alright. Fine. And sometimes "suck each others asses."

Shit, Dustin, as you would say, looks like you been served, son!!!

For the record, this discussion has nothing to do with pornography in general.  Straight.  Gay.  Miscellaneous.  I don't care what kind of website it is.  But when this fuck-head made such a point of NOT riding in a gondola because (as he eloquently put it) "dudes shouldn't ride in gondolas with other dudes," then we have to point and laugh at this 6 foot cock for the fake weasel that he is.  And, again, it's not like this was some summer's eve, romantic gondola in the heart of Venice between two lovers.  This was a God-Damned raft ride in a fucking Las Vegas CASINO.  It's a novelty ride for fuck's sake! It's not fucking real, shit-teeth!

And here comes the real obscene part---  he went by the name Spencer.  Let THAT soak in for a while.

His room-mates (which include his show girlfriend Heather) then all learn of this development one-by-one.  I use the word "development" more loosely than the waist band of the more-than-likely obese creep who shot all these videos.  It's ironic that there are actual important developments in the world like the Royal Wedding and bin Laden being killed.....ok, strike the Royal Wedding......it's ironic that on the day of Osama bin Laden being taken down, I am furiously typing my own breaking news story and it has to deal with a fucking shmizbo on an over-the-hill reality show sucking asses.

By the way, those last words are Dustin's, not mine.  When asked what kind of behavior he participated in on this Lou Pearlman-esque web series, his exact quote was, "We masturbated and sucked each others' asses or whatever."  No.  NOT whatever, Spencer!  You sucked fucking asses!!!  And I want to know what that means!! Assholes?? Cracks?? Or did you just suck buttocks-es like ripe plums?!?!?!  Not fucking WHATEVER, Spencer.

Also, Dustin-Spencer, if you have this secret history that, again, I don't care about (but you apparently are abhorred by and want to hide from your girlfriend Heather for fear that she'll break up with you) here's some Davey Mac advice- don't go out to a sex show in Vegas where transvestites are going to pull you onstage and fake-fuck you.  Know why?  Because Heather, who has recently learned of your past, will most likely say to herself, "Geez Louise, I am a fucking idiot" and dump you. Make sense, dummy?

These are strange times.  Televisions everywhere tuned in to a dead bin Laden.  And Davey Mac.  Tuned in to ass-sucking reality TV.  Jesus Fucking Christ.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

The Dallas Mavericks slay the 2 and 1/2 headed Monster!

Congratulations, Mavericks.  You took down the Badness, the Evilness,  last night and you deserve the kudos of all of us who are Good and Decent citizens.  Well, maybe that's a stretch.  But at least Lebron didn't get his ring yet. http://twitvid.com/9SVOB

Here are some of Lebron's thoughts at the post-game press conference about people who don't like him:

"At the end of the day, all the people that were rooting for me to fail ... at the end of the day, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that [they had] before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today. And I'm going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do."

Whoa! So you mean because you're a multi-millionaire and can do whatever the fuck you want that your life is better than mine?!?!  Well you know what, Lebron, you're god-damned right!!!

But you didn't have to say it out loud.

Here's another video.  Watch the footwork.  Watch the follow through.  Nowitzki-esque.

http://twitvid.com/KHIWY

Congrats, Dirk and Jason Kidd.  Now if you don't mind I have to go watch The Lebrons- a cartoon about a Mad Man who imagines there are four different versions of himself living together in an animated sitcom.  I think it was thought up by Charlie Kaufman.  Adios!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 6

Real World:Vegas from the East Side

(Part 6 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published April 27, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part VI

These Real World People Suck The Asses Of Naughty Animals Who Are Not Delicious To Eat

Maybe I've been too hard on these cock-suckers, I thought to myself.  Maybe I should give these fuckers a fresh start.  Maybe I shouldn't care that this Champion of Assholes, Dustin, never wears a shirt, I thought.  You know what, Dave?  Yes, Dave?  It's time to give these "kids" another chance.  OK, Dave...I said to myself.

Big Mistake.

Within seconds of this past Real World episode, there was Dustin again- shorts.......no shirt......no shoes.  What is this fucking LOST?!  He can't even wear a pair of fucking flip-flops now?!  I wish I was a store-owner so I could say NO SERVICE to this fucking shmizbo!!  What the shit is wrong with this guy? Eric Nies was a God-Damned Puritan compared to this piss-head!! And he was a fucking model, Dustin, you jiz-mop! *

* and Eric hosted The Grind as we all know ***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=sHZ7NGdorJ8

*** but do we all know this about Eric.....that these days he looks like Jesus...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tyNonxzMYvA

That's where you're fucking headed, Dustin!!!  Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

Ok, so what else happened.  Well, a bunch of blah-blah bullshit and then some new chick has joined the show since Adam got thrown out of the "house" (the best suite in the Hard Rock Hotel).  This girl's name is Heather.  Weird because there already IS a Heather on the show!! Whaaaaaa!!!!  I haven't heard of anything so crazy since the Two-Beth-Controversy of Real World: Los Angeles!!

And guess what? This new Heather is one tough cookie!!! Hahahaha!!!  Actually, I only said that because her last name is Cooke.  And thus they call her Cookie.  Which led me to say the thing about her being a....um.....tough.....cookie..........heh.....umm....hey look at that!!!!!!

....While you were distracted at my clever "hey look at that" ruse, I researched this year's cast of the Real World on Wikipedia and much to my surprise found that the show's true Heather is going to the same college that I graduated from- Monmouth University in New Jersey.  So out of some antiquated alumni pride I will now say that the Heather is my favorite part of the show.  Go Hawks!!!! *

* (this includes Hudson Hawk and my favorite cast member from Real World: Wheel-Chair Island, Stephen Hawking).

Anyway, Cookie gets into a fight with a couple of the other broads, Nany & Naomi, because Cookie likes Dustin.  And may possibly want Leroy.  In words, she wants to be the filling in the middle of a-----no.    No more cookie jokes.

Well there you have it.  For a "new room-mate episode," I though it was fairly uneventful.  Maybe I just miss Glen and his Doors-Meets-Phish-except-more-sucky-and-bad-at-music band, Perch.  I go now....to look up Hellen Keller on the internet.  See ya, fuckers!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave LIVE tonight!

Yes sirs and mams! The show is Live tonight on Sirius 206, XM 105 at 8 PM EST, 5 in the west.  There shall be laughter! There shall be wonderfulness and touching and you get the picture!!!

A Salute To Giant Germans Across The Land!

Dirk Nowitzki (pronounced “no-VI-zki,” Mike Francesa, but he’s only been in the league for 13 years how were you supposed to know?)  is simply awesome.  Not since a Man who wore 23 has a player carried a team the way Dirk has.  And that Man’s name of course is……Donald Arthur Mattingly.

I Will Kill DIRECTV If I Cannot See The NBA Finals

DIRECTV, I had a cable guy over my house a month ago.   He was adjusting my dish, and resetting my settings, and fixing my whole system more furiously than Han Solo worked on the Millennium Falcon before it headed into that asteroid field.  Yes, there is thunder.  But there also is NO precipitation in my area.  And the wind is too weak to blow out a candle held by Ebenezer Scrooge.  And yet here we are, DIRECTV, sitting in darkness except for the blue tint coming from my television that says "No Picture."   YOU are MY Scrooge, DIRECTV.  And if I cannot see this pivotal Game 5 of the NBA Finals, I'm gonna Ghost of Christmas Future your fucking ass!!!!!!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 5

 

(Part 5 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published April 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell on Earth Part V

Humans Can Be Shallow

"You people are soft." - Leroy, the black guy

Yes, sir.  We are back.  And if The Real World is gonna do a two-part episode then the Dave Man will write a two-part mother-fucking review.  And even though a "to-be-continued" episode amasses two hours of TV time, I will boil it down to a few, tidy sentences.  Adam, the rebel, is so "bad" that he just likes to get drunk and break stuff.  He must have a lot of Limp Bizkit on his iPod!!!!   .......On a sidenote, is Fred Durst still alive?  I feel like he's dead.  I know the hair on his head died about eight years ago- did the rest of his body follow suit?

Anyway....

Mike, the nerd, is deciding to loosen up.  And when he does, Ladies, watch the fuck out!!    Mike's definition of "loosening up" is to have a sip of beer and dance with a girl!  Yeeeeehaw, that's some Keith Moon shit, Mike-Mike!! Wait! No, it sure fucking isn't!!!  Needless to say, his definition of "loosening up" differs drastically from most people's.

And Leroy is just......"sick of this shit."    As are we, Leroy....as are we.   I hope Leroy is referring to "Real World: Las Vegas" when he says "shit."  What are we five episodes in and the only action we have is some guy who likes to destroy Tupperware when he's fucked up?  If that's the case then I want to be cast for next season's Real World! I LOVE getting drunk and DESPISE Tupperware!!!

Back to this Fred Durst issue, I'm thinking of it and I'm pretty sure he's dead.  I know he wanted to be a major film director.......Yeah, and I wanted to go fishing with Jimmy Houston!!! Rest In Peace, Nookie!!!! *

* I actually have always wanted to go fishing with Jimmy Houston

So this brings us to the big ending of the two-part episode.  SPOILER- Kevin Costner built the field to bring back his ghost dad....no, not Bill Cosby....his dad who is a baseball-playing-fucking ghost!!!    .....Whoops, turned off the Real World in favor of Field of Dreams on the WAM channel (which has nothing to do with waking people up before you go-go). Anyway, Adam gets kicked out of the hotel by a motley crew of a security team that looks like they should be robbing a construction site at the end of Bottlerocket.

And there you have it.  I remember when TV two-parters were entertaining-as-hell specials; like when Tom Hanks slapped the shit out of Alex P. Keaton or when Arnold Drummond almost got raped in the bicycle shop like a kid version of Marsellus Wallace when Zed was violating him.  But alas, this is Reality TV.  And woe is us.  As Bob Dylan would say, "things have changed."  Yes, they have.  I just thank God that Fred Durst isn't alive to see it.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 4

(Part 4 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published April 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part IV

Here's the bad news.  Shirtless Dustin is still on the Real World.  Here's the good news.  The rest of the cast seem to be coming over to my side....and now, like me, they all hate that jive-talking shmizbo, too.  This week Dustin acts like a big genital wart when the Real World' ers decided to go go-cart racing.  I was hoping someone would throw a red or green turtle shell at Dustin and kill him.  Why?  Because Dustin thought for some insane reason that he was Mario Andretti and this go-cart race was actually important.  Dustin said over and over that he "takes racing real serious."  You know what Dustin doesn't "take serious" apparently?  Proper usage of adverbs!!! It's "seriously," you fucking illiterate cock-sucker!! As in I, East Side Dave, take speaking correctly seriously, dick-nose!!

Dustin is such an asshole.

I was just happy that the nerd of the house, Michael, called Dustin out on his shenanigans. Michael called Dustin self-absorbed......at which point Dustin, who is whiter than the Albino from "The Firm," said: "Mike-Mike, you need to step off, sir."   Step off, sir????  Who the fuck is this guy and why does he talk like this?!?!   I hope somehow that while Dustin is staying in the Hard Rock Hotel the Con Air plane re-appears and takes him out.

By the way, when describing how racing works, Dustin actually used this combination of words: "When it comes to racing there's turns......left...........right.......there's braking........acceleration."   Yes we fucking know how racing works, cum-teeth!! Let me guess- when it comes to cars, there's wheels.....and hoods.....and windows an' shit!!! Wowee!!!! This is fun! When it comes to birds there's wings and beaks an' shit!! Yeeehhaaaw!!

You know who I do love, though?  The screaming-boyfriend-on-the-phone character that I believe has appeared on every Real World season since the Puck Years.  In this case the culprits are Nany and her yelling man, Jordy.  Nany tells this idiot that she hooked up with Adam, who I realize sort of looks like a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid (Aidsy Adam possibly?).  This gets the poor sucker to start shrieking over the phone, "You're gonna make a fool of me on TV!!!!"  No, mister, you and your high-pitch shrills are making you look like a fool.  You been played, Jordy!!!!

Interestingly enough, Nany is cheating on her boyfriend Jordy with Adam, who is cheating on his girlfriend named.....Jordy!! What the shit is this weird universe where everyone with the name Jordy gets cheated on?! Jordy Lemoine better not get too attached to his "bebe," he's gonna get powned!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IiLZ0dvDWU&feature=player_embedded

Fuck these people, honestly.  This really is the worst television show.  Or as Dustin would say, "when it comes to televisions, there's like volume knobs and channels an' shit."   Yeah, Dustin! And there's power buttons, too, which I plan to turn to the OFF position instead of watching next week's retarded episode!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST…. and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Sesame Place is Fun

.......yet big surprise- I got burnt yesterday.   We took the kids for our annual Sesame Place trip where I get destroyed by the sun and go flying down the water-slide like a giant red-headed idiot; barreling into children at the bottom of the slide who haven't bothered to get out of the way.   I smash into them with the force of a Lawrence Taylor hit on Joe Theisman; breaking their tiny little legs as they scream in agony.  I then get up and tell my wife (who's standing with shame to the side), "Hey honey, I'm gonna do that again!!!!"   At which point I repeat the process and take out four more kids.  I'm pretty sure right now, Sesame Place is littered with mauled children crying out in pain, like some kind of toddler-version of a Civil War battlefield.   Love ya, Big Bird!  

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 3

(Part 3 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published March 28, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part III

The Jersey Shore demons have now spawned their evil onto my precious Real World

Why, oh why, has the word "smoosh" become synonymous with "have sex," "engage in intercourse," or (the preference of many a common people)........ "fuck"? Every time someone from Jersey Shore says it, be it the Irish J-Wow or Latino Snooki, I quietly cry to myself that the youth of America is slowly devolving into talking like the Muppets.  Whereas in my day, I might plead (unsuccessfully might I add) for a girl to "bang" me, at least that sounded like a primal activity.  When these fruitcakes use the designation "smoosh" for fucking, I feel as if Elmo will take his puppet cock out and start boning one of the female mice puppets.  Then in true reality TV fashion, Elmo will go into the Confessional to proclaim that he's "the man" and "what Elmo wants, Elmo gets"....... or some other hideous cliche.

My point is this- those mutants on the Jersey Shore have their own language and way of talking mainly because they're most likely from a different solar system.  They are not one of us.  So then why on earth do these Real World freaks have to use their shitty vocabulary?  Why?!?!  I'm ASKING YOU!!!!   And you know who Smooshed? The Small Town white boy who talks black when around a black person-  Dustin.  And Heather.  And...fuck!!! I see an interminable romantic plotline a la Sammi and Ronnie from Jersey Shore where these two will like each other, then smoosh (fuck, now I'm doing it!) then break up, and blah, blah I wish a Deadliest Catch marathon was on rather than this poop!

Dustin, by the way, has a new unconscionable nickname for Michael.  Ready?  You ready for the most creative and funny nickname you ever heard?  OK, here it is-------it's Mike-Mike.  This fucking guy calls Michael...... Mike-Mike.  No one else calls him Mike-Mike.  Michael's family and friends do not call him Mike-Mike.  NO ONE calls him fucking Mike-Mike! Yet here is this southern fart Dustin calling him Mike-Mike.  Why?  Is one "Mike" not sufficient?  Does one "Mike" not do it for you, Dustin, you whore?  Do we have to now double-up on all names? (Here's the President- Obama-Obama.....now batting- Jeter-Jeter)    What the shit is this?  Oh, I forgot.  The Jersey Shore Devils have influenced a generation of young monkeys who now need to "change it up."  Fo Shizzle, yo! I'm down! Dave-Dave is down with yo' shittttt!

And, Dustin (or should I call him Dus-Dus now?), I know you like the Situation but Heavens to Betsy please put a fucking shirt on!!!  You're in a modern, 21st century hotel in Las Vegas for fucks sake, I'm pretty sure there is A.C.  Turn the thermostat to the "cool" setting and throw on a polo!! And if you're still so warm you have to go through life shirtless then I strongly suggest you go to the hospital as I'm pretty sure you have some fucking Super Fever which has perpetually raised your blood temperature to Anakin Skywalker post-the-lava-incident levels!! You hear me, Dus-Dus? You hear me, dawg!!!

Also, Dus-Dus's mom is bi-polar.  He told us that on the episode in what was supposed to be a Deep Moment.....but I admit I laughed.  Then I started talking like Dus-Dus: "My mom-mom's is, like, bananas!! Shiiiiiiiit!!"    I didn't feel bad for a guy who can't wear clothing on the upper body.  Plus, I'm pretty sure he too is not human.  Dus-Dus reminds me of some wacky 1980's movie, man-robot; spewing off language he thinks will relate him to other humans but, oh shit son, he's using the words in the wrong context! Look for Anthony Michael Hall and Kelly Lebrock to co-star in this '80's fun-fest!!

And what does "cop him out" mean?  This phrase was uttered multiple times.  As in, "every time that kid does something stupid you cop him out?"  I have no idea.  Does it mean "defend him"?  Seriously, what the fuck are these retarded shmizbo's saying?!  It hurts what's left of my television-corrupted soul to hear slang I am unfamiliar with! It's like these donkeys talk in code for jizz sake! And I can't take it!!

Producers and set builders for the Real World: STOP MAKING THE REAL WORLD HOUSE LOOK AS IF A CLOCKWORK ORANGE WAS FILMED IN IKEA.  Enough with the orange and red.  I fear the sets are so bright that they will cause my television to explode soon.  And then how am I gonna watch A Minute To Win It, dogsie?!

Last thing.  My favorite part of the show was when Adam (who got all drunk and nuts and shit) almost got into a fight with Leroy when Leroy was miffed at some of Adam's otherwise uncultured behavior.  Translated- Leroy told Adam to "eat a dick."  Adam then responded by saying he was indignant at this offensive statement imparted in Adam's direction.  Translated again- Adam said, "don't tell me to eat a dick."  At which point the conversation went similarly to this: "Oh yeah? Well......I says it another time......eat a dick."   "No, I don't like eating dicks."   "Fo' reals?"    "Reals."   It was Tarantino-esque dialogue I tells ya!!!!

Truth is- these Jersey Shore wannabe's on the Real World should.....All......Eat......Dicks.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Below this post...

...Part 2 of my epic 12-part series on the Real World.  All the articles will be posted here (one a day for the next two weeks or so),  so check back frequently and enjoy!

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 2

(Part 2 of Dave McDonald's 12-part series of articles about MTV's The Real World.   Originally published March 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth Part II

The Real World as an allegory for privileged, young idiots....maybe not so much of an allegory afterall

East Side Dave McDonald here.  I host a show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio called Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave.  I work in Jersey radio.  I do a weekly sports show (the Davey Mac Sports Program) on the Internet.  I understand what it is to want my voice heard.... I really do.  And yet never....EVER....in my life have I thought of uttering the phrase: "He has some serious swagger for a white boy."  Yup.  And what qualified person of color made this superficial statement?  Heather- blond, hobbit-esque, and- oh yeah- white.

Yessir! Dustin got some serious swagger, yo!  For a WHITE boy, that is! And the thing about Dustin- when he a.) hangs out with a black guy or b.) gets angry at a white guy who he feels he can intimidate, he really can affect not only a swagger, but some SERIOUS attitude, SON! That's right.....Dustin likes calling people "son" when he's mad at them.  Are you serious, son?!  You for reals, son?? I gots to do some shitties, son! *

* was not actually said

And why was Dustin so angry?  Because a guy Dustin's known for four minutes made out with a girl Dustin's known for three minutes.  But Dustin is POSITIVE this girl is the one for him.  The girl? Little Heather.  She's like a miniature Jewel.  I bet at some point in this season, we hear that Heather lived in a miniature van in mini-Alaska (Oregon?) while she struggled to become a miniature singer.  If Jewel was smart she'd put diminutive Heather atop her piano during live shows the way Dr. Evil did with Verne Troyer.  Then everyone in the audience could try to pelt them with coins.

As for the guy Dustin was angry with- Michael- this younger Bill Gates character is smart.  We know that he's smart because when he uses words like "electricity" and "storm" the rest of the roomates say stuff like, "Whoa! You so smart and shit!"  Also heard in this vain are the sentences- "Mike be, like, a genius!" and "Mike so intelligent he just made my dumb ass fart!" *

* was not actually said

By the way, Dustin was pissed off at Michael for kissing Heather during a game of Truth Or Dare and.....uh, how do I say this......Dustin may or may not have done MALE PORN FOR MONEY! Not that it matters what kind of porn one does, but nevertheless, Dustin, you fucking hypocritical backwoods jizz-mop! I'd say pull your head out of your ass, Dustin, but you'd have to remove the large dildo first. Anyway, this silly douche-ary was so petty it made Pedro's peanut butter situation with Puck in Real World: San Francisco look like a Presidential debate.

Hold on! We ain't done yet, son! Big News----- Adam, the "Bad Boy" (if you're an idea of a Bad Boy entails a guy who probably could get beaten up by Andy Dick), well this rebel likes drinking.  And on this past episode Adam got so drunk he broke an empty bottle on the floor.  Shit! I thought I was watching the Ghost of Jim Morrison out there! *

* author is lying

I mean, I can't believe I've never thought of finishing a bottle of alcohol and then throwing it to the ground! If I had, then I could be a self-ordained, uninteresting "bad boy" like Adam.  And guess what?  One of the room-mates, Nany, has a thing for bad boys! Oooooooh, this is gonna be good.  Terrell Owens would say, "get your popcorn ready" for situations like these but I hate T.O and so I shan't be quoting him.  I'll choose Joe Neikro instead- "get your nail files ready!"

Yeah.  That's right, Nany says Adam is "her type."  Hold on, my dog is so bored by this show she just threw up.  Ok, I'm back.  I love when people who are barely out of their teenage years say they have "a type."  That's like a six-year-old saying, "You know, I think I'm gonna stop smoking."   It's fruitless, pointless, and lessless. Outside of these two seismic events which were hardly seismic at all nothing much happened.   So I think I'll say seismic again...........seismic.

Two episodes in and I can truthfully say that these kids and myself deserve Hell.  And, trust me, friends- we will find it together.  Hand in hand.  We gonna burn, SON!!!!

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or twitter.com/EastSideDave

Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 1

(Part 1 of Dave McDonald's 12-part series of articles about MTV's The Real World.   Originally published March 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)

Hell On Earth

A look into the evil that is MTV's the Real World

Hello.  Let me start by introducing myself.  My name is David.  Some call me East Side Dave.  Some call me Davey Mac.  I call myself an addict.  A pathetic, reality TV addict where what's left of my soul is swallowed up by people who, in real life, I usually would not be interested in.  I've noticed that the only people website commenting on these shows are other reality TV....what do you call these creatures?.....contestants, characters, stars, etc.    Jonny Fairplay noticed this, too.  So he wanted an outsider's opinion on one the founding fathers- MTV's The Real World.  It also helped that no one from The Real World wanted to participate in this farce and so Fairplay was forced to ask for my assistance.

But that does not mean that I am not qualified to analyze the Real World.  I come to you from the point of view of someone who usually ends up disliking 88% of the cast and who has not thoroughly enjoyed the show in years, yet watches because the Real World is as addictive to me as any of your standard narcotics.  The show has been around for twenty years and we've come a long way from Eric and Becky and Norman, my friends.  Reigndance is over and done with.  I believe Becky is now a singing-drunkard-bartender.  Julie has lost all her teeth.  Eric Neise is an evangelist.  Heather is in prison on animal cruelty charges.  And Kevin has gone blind.

OK, some of those things are not true.  But that is how I prefer to think of that great, original cast which was unique and new.  Kevin was the angry, black guy.  Julie was the green, young girl who was gonna experience the Big City.  And so on.  You know the Real World characters.  And guess what?  Not much has changed.  They are the same, if not worse- cartoon characters of American youth.   No matter how they were educated, many of them are dim, non-living, inexperienced vampire-whores who, for some odd reason, are opinionated about an array of topics they know nothing about.  It begs the question- was I...no...were WE as heartlessly stupid as these overconfident assholes when we were in our early 20's?  I shutter to think that the answer may be "yes."  I also choose not to believe it.  When I was 20 I knew enough to know that I didn't know shit.  Which is why I guess I find these lucky clowns still compelling after all these years- they really are freaks.  They were picked to stand in front of camera and spew egotistical gibberish and they feel like they are now better than us.

For God's sake, at least in Big Brother or Survivor you have to play a game! I suppose in shows like that you are at least accomplishing something.  In the Real World, they do jack and shit! And yet they love themselves way too much.  Always be suspicious of people who love themselves too much.  The kind of people who look in the mirror and think they look...."hot".....are pure evil and belong in the Book of Revelation.  They are not the kind of people who wait in line at 7-Eleven for a Slurpee and a porn magazine.  They are better than us...or at least they think they are.

But listen, I don't know these people.  Maybe this cast will be different.  Maybe we will get at least three new types of personalities that we haven't seen before.  Or maybe we'll get Leroy, the angry, young, black guy. And we'll get Naomi, the sassy inner-city Latino girl who will remind us at every turn what her neighborhood is like and how "shit goes down" where she comes from and blah, blah, "I'm from the 'hood," blah, blah.  Look for this to surface especially during drunken arguments with her white roomates. Oh yes.  I won't be only picking on people of ethnicity.  Damnit do I hate the young, pie-eyed white cock from the small town who thinks he's shy and funny and shy and, did he mention he's just from a small town and is shy?  YES!! We fucking get it! You're shy!  Well guess what, people?  The Real World has cast TWO of these assholes!  One who will use this gimmick to woo women and the other will use it to look like a jackass on television.  These two guys are named Dustin and Michael.  But they should be called the Fuckstick Twins.

Then we have Heather.  She seems nice enough.  A tiny little blond girl who yips and yaps like my three-legged Pomeranian.  I can't say anything bad about Heather because she reminds me of Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba and hating Foofa is like hating on marshmallows and rainbows.  Let's skip her and go to Nany.  I don't trust her for some reason.  I want to put that on the table.  I will gauge her behavior and document the findings.  I will keep my eye on her.  And if I go missing for more than three days, you'll know who to blame.  Blame Nany.  She had me killed.

This brings us to the final contestant on the Real World showcase showdown- and this character's name is Adam.  Remember Eminem in Eight Mile?  So does Adam.  Because he's ripped everything from his look to his demeanor to his background from Rabbit.  Although, I did find it interesting that this hardcore white kid is from....ahem.....Maine?  Huh?  Since when did Maine produce this kind of vapid, trendy dick-fuck? I thought Maine spawned freaks like....um....like.....well apparently I know very little about Maine.  Maybe a This Old House marathon will come on PBS and then my opinion will become more informed.  Anyway, Adam and people like Adam are the most transparent mother-fuckers in the world.  The gold chain, the white T-shirt, the baggy jeans.  We get it, fucko! You like rap; which, for a white person, makes you better than other white people but still inferior (street-cred-wise) to blacks.

And how absolutely non-shocked I was when Adam 13 Inches of Snow told us that he's a "player."  Oh watch out, Nany- you about to be PLAYED, honey pie!  Even if you do look like a younger Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef, you GONNA GET PLAYED!    Christ, why am I watching this fucking show?!?!?  Why, after all these years, do I pry my eye lids open and strap myself to the couch a la Alex from A Clockwork Orange only to get systematically disappointed year after fucking year! Because God Damn Johnny Fairplay and his dead fucking grandmother somehow convinced me to do this, that's why! A curse on Fairplay's house!  And why else do I watch this eternally shitty show?  Because my name is David.  And I am an addict.  Nice to meet you.

Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website EastSideDaveCountry.com or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave

Coming soon.....

....If you missed my 12-part series of articles on MTV's The Real World that I wrote for RealityGeek.com......fear not!!  We will be posting the entire series right here, one article a day! Check back for the first one! Whether you like The Real World or detest it (as I do), the articles are sure to be as entertaining as torturing insects that you find in your basement!

Things

We had a great show tonight....thanks to everybody who called in!  I am on a crazy Woody Allen run since I saw Midnight In Paris.  Just watched Hannah And Her Sisters......now it's time for Manhattan.  I am also eating 7-11 wings at 2:35 in the morning and with every third wing I need to do the shitties.   That probably isn't good.

Have you seen......

.....the Davan Spurlock doc?  Heck, you live in America and things are crazy......... so watch the movie that exposes it all!!!!!

Times Are Good

....what a comeback by my Dallas Mavs.   We gonna win this shit....maybe......take two out of three in Dallas,  then we'll talk.

This week's Davey Mac Sports Program is now up!

Plus, catch a Video Snippet of this week's episode somewhere on this ridiculous website!! Latest video, video gallery, it's all good!!  We talk about the NBA Finals and how Jimmy Buffet was passed over for Michael McDonald by the Miami Heat to do the National Anthem in Game 1.  Also, as an aside, is it just me or does anyone else get creeped out by that Ali guy on CNN's This American Morning?

New Video and thoughts...

A new video-  Petey: The Annoyingly Apologetic LOST Character is up!  Also, I am dying to see The Tree Of Life by the great Terrence Malick yet no theaters in my area are carrying it.  I understand that New York and L.A. will get the movie before we do but it better roll out here soon or there will be Hell to pay.   So, I think I will see the new Woody Allen film instead.  Oddly enough, my seventh grade basketball coach went by the name Woody Malick- which is a combination of both those directors' names.  As you can tell, I didn't sleep last night.....which is probably why I, and I alone, found that last nugget of information interesting.