(Part 12 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published June 6, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part XII
What The Hell Happened?
Seriously. What the Hell happened? Was it all a dream? Or a sick, perverted, mindless nightmare in which I was requested by some guy from Survivor to write a weekly review of MTV's The Real World. I don't even remember actually saying yes to this "Survivor." Nor can I actively recall even writing the articles week after week.
Yet lo and behold, week in and week out, the articles would appear right here on this very website. With a picture of me hovering over them like some red-headed child molester. And my name would always show up on the byline. Was I really the one who was writing these columns about this shitty, boring program? Maybe someone was drugging me to sit down and write these reports about a show so long in the tooth that Ernest Borgnine would call it old.
Maybe this was a Manchurian Candidate-type situation; where I was brainwashed into thinking that I "needed" to write about The Real World. Maybe someone had implanted an assassin's microchip into my brain, a la Reggie Jackson, yet instead of setting the Kill Switch to hunt down the Queen, they simply put the setting on "Waste Hours Of Your Life By Watching A Terrible Show. Then Write A Column To Prove You Actually Watched It."
These are all theories I subscribe to; rather than facing the truth. Because the Truth is dark and cold and casts more aspersions on my character than any trouble I've gotten into with the Law; even when at least two of those incidents included duct tape, bloody socks, and puppets. The Truth unfortunately is that I sat down every Wednesday, thinking this week would be different on the ol' MTV. Thinking that SOMETHING, ANYTHING interesting HAD to happen. And every week........nothing happened.
And not in a fun, Seinfeldian way where "nothing happens" but really Kramer is saving a beached whale while George is running down the street on fire and Elaine is fucking Keith Hernandez. No. On this season of MTV's The Real World- NOTHING happened of the JACK and SHIT variety.
You must be lying, Dave, you might say.
No, I'm not, I would say.
You: What about Adam getting kicked off the show? Nany finding out that here estranged father was in fact dead? Dustin copping to doing gay porn?
Me: Even those things, which seem interesting on paper, turned out to be boring turds that are so shitty that they bathe in shit-water...
You: That's disgusting.
Me: ...and then they floss their teeth with strings made of poo while eating shit-apples...
You: Stop it.
Me: ...while making a poop soup and spraying fart perfume.
You: I need to vomit.
Me: Me, too.
Even this final episode was insanely dull. Mike and Naomi went to get married in one of these Vegas chapels. As a joke. Except it was in a real chapel with real marriage professionals. But it wasn't for real, right? Well, actually Mike & Naomi, you see.......EVERY GOD-DAMNED COURT IN AMERICA SAYS THAT YOU NOW ARE A LEGALLY MARRIED COUPLE, you nimrods!!! I hope they get arrested for bigamy years from now for failing to recognize that when you get married by official people, you are, in fact, FUCKING MARRIED!!!
Other thoughts- Cooke, who replaced the wacky Adam after he was booted from the house, turned out to be this year's Jo from Real World: San Francisco...a hideously boring character who made no ultimate impact on the show whatsoever.
Can Dustin wear an even bigger watch? I thought I was looking at the watch Daniel Craig wears in Cowboys Vs. Aliens. Except, Dustin, you don't live in a fucking Sci-Fi movie!!!!
Lastly the entire cast (minus Adam, of course) ended their stay with a communal sleep-over the final night. That would have been a tender idea had we not seen another cast do it---- TWENTY YEARS AGO ON SEASON FUCKING ONE!!!!
I still can't believe I continue to watch. Nor can I believe that I wrote a 12-part series of articles on it. Was it all just a dream? God in Heaven, I hope so. Because the worst nightmares I've ever had don't compare to this trite, horrific dinosaur of a reality show.