(Part 11 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published May 27, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part XI
The Real World Would Suck The Decency From Angels
Dear God, please end this show now so that I can stop watching and use the time to becoming a more productive citizen. For instance, I can utilize Wednesday nights for masturbating and drawing pictures with my cum on black construction paper. Things like that.
It's just soooooooo boring. I mean the show is outright, God Damned, interminable. Should I feel bad that when Nany learned that her long-lost father that she was searching for passed away nine years ago, that admittedly in a moment of foul, poor timing I farted a little and then giggled at the gas I created. I swear even my dog chuckled a bit...either that or she was choking, I'm not sure.
But Nany also learned that she has a sister she never knew about. I don't know Spanish but I believe Nany's sister's name translates to "Soon-To-Be-Jealous-Of-My-Taller-Thinner-Bitch-Of-A-Reality-Star-Sister." It's a long name. You know how we do's it. Not to say that Nany's sister wasn't as attractive as Nany, but I thought Zoila from Flipping Out had suddenly popped up on the show.
Hey, the episode wasn't all bad. Mike-Mike saw his mom that he hadn't scene in two years because of her dependency on drugs. Which is why, I assume, Mike spent his youth picking pockets and delivering his bounty to Fagin..... for Fuck's Sake!!! Did all of these kids have some horrible, fucked-up, Charles Dickensian childhood?!?! I swear to the Heavens if we find out that when Dustin was out of porridge he meekly said to the headmaster, "more please," I'm gonna fly to London and piss all over the Dickens wax doll I saw at Madame Tussauds!!!
I wish I could give you more, Folks, I really do. I'd give you a lollipop or some fake poop or cheese if I could send it to you over the computer. And by giving you something tangible I believe I would lessen my own guilt for wasting eleven hours of my God Forsaken, Ear-Licking (never-mind that last part) life.
So Nany's dad is dead and Mike's mom is alive but dealing with cancer. And to give those two support, the rest of the cast.....went to the Hoover Dam and then rode motorcycles. What the fuck?!?! Okay, fine!! With this Road Rules-esque activity, I thought I was watching a poor re-enactment of Transformers: The Movie (called- The Re-Enactment of Transformers: Even Shittier Than Transformers).
And Adam is back and dressing like a Beastie Boy still. I call him Ad-Cock......because he is a cock.......which rhymes with oh fucking forget about it. Adam is really Badass. You know how I know? Because when he gets drunk he tells everyone in arm's length: "Maaan. I'm, like, REALLLY FUCKED UP, Maaaaaan!!!" Yeeehhhaaaaaww!!! I know's you is, Adam! What with the four Bartles & James wine coolers you "sucked down" in three hours!!! Let's fly to London and jerk off the Charles Dickens doll at Madame Tussauds, yo!!!!!!
Next week is the final episode. Thank you, Jesus. No more. Now if you don't mind I have to go, Great Expectations is on Starz 2.