(Part 10 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published May 24, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part X
Reality Television Apocalypse
I was probably the only one praying for this Rapture nonsense to be, in fact, real this past Saturday. Why? So that I wouldn't have to watch one more episode of MTV's The Real World. Anything. Earthquake, volcano, syphilis. Anything to let me not watch another second of this uneventful garbage featuring a group of twenty-year-old children who I simply do not care about.
And when I say "children," Friends, I mean children. At one point in the episode they were taking markers and creating "funny," home-made T-shirts. Complete with phrases like "I Love Mexican Girls" (on the front of the shirt)...."Or anything I can get" (on the back). Hahahahaahahahaaa!!!! That's fucking hystercial!!!!! It's like at first Mike is saying he has one preference of women that he is sexually attracted to, but upon a Big Reveal we learn that he is just a desperate fucking shmizbo who would fuck anything that walks!!!! OOH-hee-hee-hahahaahah!! Oh, that's rich!! That's a good one I tells ya! Someone stick a screwdriver into my cock-hole because that's the funniest home-made, bloody t-shirt these here eyes have ever seen and I SEEN 'EM ALL, Bibbies!!! Shit! One time I saw a guy wearing a home-made T-shirt that said (on the front) "I like kids" and then (on the back) "....which is why I have four of them buried in my backyard." Hahahahah!! I thought that one had taken the cake but you know what, Mike-Mike, I was wrong! DEAD fucking WRONG!! Your shirt about wanting to bang any race of chicks was The Shits! And I should know- I'm a Shits Doctor!!!
Enough of this silliness. I think I get so angry at this cast of the Real World because these self-inflated jiz-farts simply think they are the cutest homo sapiens to walk or crawl since The Monkees. I cannot stomach them. Lately I have only been able to watch the show with one eye closed while pouring hot sauce in the other eye. I also put an eye patch on my asshole but that is for a different reason altogether.
Lowlights of the episode: Somehow Heather and Dustin are back to being a couple though Heather told us JUST LAST WEEK that this would never happen. As Naomi would state- "Honey Child, YOU GETTIN' PLAYED." She'd yell this right after saying, "Shit, honey child, I got all KINDS of venereal diseases!"
Mike-Mike and Dustin get into yet another argument that escalates into Dustin pushing Mike in the face. Tsk-tsk, Dustin. Pushing this pacifist-nerd in the nose is like slamming Stephen Hawking over the head with a 2 X 4. Which is bad news for Hacksaw Jim Duggan if he ever has wrestle Hawking in a hardcore match.
And guess what? Adam is coming back!! The guy who got kicked off the show for being such a Badass that he actually punched a lamp once!! I know. That is one tough son of a bitch. If any lamps are reading this article you better Run & Hide if you see Adam A-Comin'!! He doesn't care for your kind!!!
One last thing- Nany is still searching for her long, lost birth father. I'd like to think that her absent dad is George Lopez. In which case he ain't lost at all, Nany!! You can find his ass on TBS Monday through Friday!! Yeeeehaw!!!
What a piece of shit show. I can only say I will be relieved when this year is over. Hopefully next season will be cast entirely with lamps who beat up humans when THEY get drunk. That would be fair.