(Part 9 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published May 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part IX
Parents Are Evil/ Children Are Worse
Seinfeld was a show about nothing? Fuck YOU, Jerry! This season of the Real World is TRULY about Jack and Shit!! I get more out of the horrific Subway product placement than I do the actual show at this point. At least that contrived shit makes me want to get a sandwich (not a Subway sandwich, of course, as they suck animal farts). Maybe they should get Jared from Subway's fat ass to join the show as the Biggest Douche In Real World History since Judd from the San Francisco season.
Jesus! I just re-read that first paragraph and it seems a little harsh.
...But I shan't change a single word of it...Damn You MTV!!
This show better pick up soon or there will be casualties left all over the place; and I will be one of them, Friends. For starters, I cannot take one more Real World season where they have an episode dedicated to the quirky and weird, yet lovable (LOL ROFL FOOT POO), character who keeps striking out with the ladies. You know why? I was that guy at different points in my life (or at least pretended to be). And when I was "sexually frustrated" (as these barely-out-of-puberty kids keep stupidly saying), maybe or maybe not, an escort would get a call. And possibly or possibly not, that Astoria Queens escort would quickly relieve any "tension" the Dave Man could or could not have been feeling. I'll let you the reader decide what happened like one of those dorky Choose Your Own Adventure books. *
* who am I kidding, I loved those books. **
** but not as much as I loved that fucking dweeb Encyclopedia Brown
MTV- we do not need to see this episode any more. NO MORE. We also do not need to see the following Real World Beating-A-Dead-Horse episodes on any future seasons:
* black guy getting into a fight with southern/midwestern guy who has made a retarded statement
* southern guy who is "skeeved out" by gay people
* gay Cuban man who is upset that a half-drunken bike messenger has stuck his scabby hands in said Cuban's peanut butter
What else happened on this episode? Well, let's see. Nany comes from a broken home and her father used to sell drugs. Whoa! Hey, I'd be surprised and/or interested if NEARLY EVERY OTHER CAST MEMBER DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE THIS EXACT SAME STORY-LINE!!!!! Seriously!! Dustin's mom did drugs and is bipolar. Leroy's birth mother did a shit load of drugs so he had to live with a foster family. And hey! BOTH of Mike's parents did drugs! Yipeeeee! (also honorable mention to former cast member Adam who was an actual drug dealer). So sorry, Nany!!! But my drug-sympathy has already been spent!!!
You see, Folks, what kind of desperation I'm writing with here. So much time invested....and so little in return. Fuck it. I'm gonna pick up an old copy of an Encyclopedia Brown book I found in my attic while writing this shit. And I hope....no, I PRAY.....that once...just once....Encyclopedia FUCKS BUGS MEANY UP.