(Part 8 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published May 13, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part VIII The Yin & Yang of Boring Whores
I can't believe how bad the Real World: Las Vegas 2011 show is. On paper last week should have been good. To give you bullet points: 1.) the room-mates talk about Dustin sucking asses like they were cherry lollipops 2.) Dustin's friends comes over and one of them has sex with Cooke 3.) Naomi has a pregnancy and STD test because Leroy most likely gave her the Clap 4.) Heather and Nany make out in a hot tub and fuck each other in a bed 5.) Dustin, now broken up with Heather, decides to have intercourse with the only other room-mate who will touch him- Cooke.
You: Shit, Davey Mac! That sounds like an episode so chock full of action I'd like to rip off my dick!!
Me: Don't rip it off quite yet, Friend! It's not that exciting!
You: Are you sure, Davey Mac? I REALLY want to rip my dick off!!
Me: I know you do, amigo, I know you do.
But the truth is- it was a fairly boring episode. I needed the help of Budweiser and my kids' coloring books just to get myself through the show. (FYI- kids don't like it when you color all of the Yo Gabba Gabba characters black and tell them that Brobey has just started a Goth Band with his pals. Apparently they do not know what Goth is.)
You: Can I at least TEAR my dick if you won't allow me to rip it off?
Let's briefly go over those bullets points one by one. 1.) the room-mates did talk about Dustin's adventures in the fun world of internet porn again, yet came to non-judgmental, mild opinions. They seem fine with Dustin now......fuckers!!! They let this braggart/cock-nose off the hook?!?! Those weak-minded fools, throw 'em into the Sarlacc Pit! Or at the very least feed them to the Rancor monster!!! Hey, guess who watched "Jedi" recently?!
2.) One of Dustin's friends did in fact bang Cooke. But this guy named Marze was more boring than an A&E King of Cars marathon. (By the way, who the fuck thought a good idea for a reality show would be one of humanity's more painful experiences- buying a car at a used car shop? I guess it was better than King of Tax Accountants).
(Remember this shit?)
3.) Regarding Naomi's STD and pregnancy test: She's NOT pregnant and thus Leroy is........NOT THE FATHER.
.......but on the bright side- Naomi may have the Clap and at the very least a vaginal infection!!
Point number 4. Yes, Nany and Heather hook up in and out of a hot tub. OK, I have not much to complain about here.
Number 5. While Dustin and Cooke having intercourse like the two ex-athletes they are (I picture lots of dick-dunks and clitoris-high fives between the two of them) causes some drama.....is it enough? I don't honestly know...I'm still wondering what a clitoris-high five would be and what it would look like.
So in summation- lots of plot? No!!!!!! Boring poop!!!!!
You: Dave, what if I've ACCIDENTALLY removed my penis?
Me: Was it really an accident?
Me: I didn't think so.