Hey 'yall!! What am I from Alabama all of a sudden? Hey 'yall?!?! That's how I greet you?!?! Fuck me. Anyway, we rocked on Special Delivery Starring Dave Solo last night and I received many requests from people to put up a transcript of something I wrote and said on the air. The preface is this- Andy Rooney has left 60 Minutes. I, for one, think it's time that 60 Minutes goes for a younger crowd. So this is me, throwing my hat in the ring, trying for a young demographic, for the Last Word On 60 Minutes With Davey Mac:
"You know who I can't stand? Old people. Always complaining about shit. Does anyone bitch more than an old person? I don't think so. I hate how they can't understand how an electric can-opener. Are you retarded, Old People? I think you might be.
Have you ever been behind Old People in the movies, they talk at the screen more than you-know-who. Shut up, Old People. I'm trying to watch Reel Steel.
How God-Damn slow are Old People? Can't we put jet-packs on their old, slow backs so they can get out of our fucking way already? Seriously, get the fuck out of my way, Old People.
Have you ever watched Old People eat? It's fucking disgusting. They chew loudly and make weird noises in their old, sloppy mouths. I wish we didn't have to watch them eat. Stay at home, Old People, that's what Meals On Wheels is for, for fuck's sake.
How fucking deaf are Old People? I have to use Anthony Cumia's mother-fucking bull horn to scream into their Old Ears because they can't hear shit. Why so deaf, Old People?
Why do Old People have so many spots on their head? What are they...Dalmatians? I wish there was only 101 Old People on the planet. Then we could spread them out over 7 continents. Each continent would get roughly 14.2 Old People each.
You know who is a really good and bad example of Old People? Andy Fucking Rooney. I have a personal issue with him because we are both in the Writer's Guild, and so we attend the Guild christmas party each. And every year it's the same. There he is- Andy Rooney. Sitting all old and grumpy like a hung-over Bilbo Baggins, smoking his hobbit pipe. So I feel like I'll talk to his Old Ass...Spirit of Christmas and all that shit. He's a big New York Football Giants fan, so am I in fact, so I say- "How about them Giants, Andy? Do you like their chances in the playoffs this year?" At which point he usually replies with- "Do I know you? Who are you? Why are you talking to me?" And I say to him, "Well my name is Davey McDonald and every year I try to talk to you about the Giants." And then Andy Rooney says- "I don't care. Leave me alone." Hey, I was just trying to be nice, Andy Rooney, you old fucking asshole!!! Fuck you, Andy!!! And fuck you, Old People!!!"