(Part 7 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published May 3, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell On Earth Part VII
Things Are Not What They Seem
Oh Dustin. Dustin, Dustin, Dustin. When you have skeletons in the closet, 'tis best not to judge others. Especially if you have a history of sucking those skeletons' asses and posting the videos online. That's right. In one of the least surprising developments on the Real World since Reigndance not winning a Grammy, Dustin Zito (that of such homophobic tutorials as "men and women were put on the earth for one reason: to procreate!" and less enlightening proverbs like "eww....that shit is gay!"), THAT Dustin, has been been keeping a secret- he was on a website where frat boys would pose nude. And that's all......well......and sometimes jerk themselves off in front of the camera.........and?.........ok, and sometimes jerk each other off in hot tubs......................and?..................alright. Fine. And sometimes "suck each others asses."
Shit, Dustin, as you would say, looks like you been served, son!!!
For the record, this discussion has nothing to do with pornography in general. Straight. Gay. Miscellaneous. I don't care what kind of website it is. But when this fuck-head made such a point of NOT riding in a gondola because (as he eloquently put it) "dudes shouldn't ride in gondolas with other dudes," then we have to point and laugh at this 6 foot cock for the fake weasel that he is. And, again, it's not like this was some summer's eve, romantic gondola in the heart of Venice between two lovers. This was a God-Damned raft ride in a fucking Las Vegas CASINO. It's a novelty ride for fuck's sake! It's not fucking real, shit-teeth!
And here comes the real obscene part--- he went by the name Spencer. Let THAT soak in for a while.
His room-mates (which include his show girlfriend Heather) then all learn of this development one-by-one. I use the word "development" more loosely than the waist band of the more-than-likely obese creep who shot all these videos. It's ironic that there are actual important developments in the world like the Royal Wedding and bin Laden being killed.....ok, strike the Royal Wedding......it's ironic that on the day of Osama bin Laden being taken down, I am furiously typing my own breaking news story and it has to deal with a fucking shmizbo on an over-the-hill reality show sucking asses.
By the way, those last words are Dustin's, not mine. When asked what kind of behavior he participated in on this Lou Pearlman-esque web series, his exact quote was, "We masturbated and sucked each others' asses or whatever." No. NOT whatever, Spencer! You sucked fucking asses!!! And I want to know what that means!! Assholes?? Cracks?? Or did you just suck buttocks-es like ripe plums?!?!?! Not fucking WHATEVER, Spencer.
Also, Dustin-Spencer, if you have this secret history that, again, I don't care about (but you apparently are abhorred by and want to hide from your girlfriend Heather for fear that she'll break up with you) here's some Davey Mac advice- don't go out to a sex show in Vegas where transvestites are going to pull you onstage and fake-fuck you. Know why? Because Heather, who has recently learned of your past, will most likely say to herself, "Geez Louise, I am a fucking idiot" and dump you. Make sense, dummy?
These are strange times. Televisions everywhere tuned in to a dead bin Laden. And Davey Mac. Tuned in to ass-sucking reality TV. Jesus Fucking Christ.