(Part 5 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World. Originally published April 18, 2011 on RealityGeek.com)
Hell on Earth Part V
Humans Can Be Shallow
"You people are soft." - Leroy, the black guy
Yes, sir. We are back. And if The Real World is gonna do a two-part episode then the Dave Man will write a two-part mother-fucking review. And even though a "to-be-continued" episode amasses two hours of TV time, I will boil it down to a few, tidy sentences. Adam, the rebel, is so "bad" that he just likes to get drunk and break stuff. He must have a lot of Limp Bizkit on his iPod!!!! .......On a sidenote, is Fred Durst still alive? I feel like he's dead. I know the hair on his head died about eight years ago- did the rest of his body follow suit?
Mike, the nerd, is deciding to loosen up. And when he does, Ladies, watch the fuck out!! Mike's definition of "loosening up" is to have a sip of beer and dance with a girl! Yeeeeehaw, that's some Keith Moon shit, Mike-Mike!! Wait! No, it sure fucking isn't!!! Needless to say, his definition of "loosening up" differs drastically from most people's.
And Leroy is just......"sick of this shit." As are we, Leroy....as are we. I hope Leroy is referring to "Real World: Las Vegas" when he says "shit." What are we five episodes in and the only action we have is some guy who likes to destroy Tupperware when he's fucked up? If that's the case then I want to be cast for next season's Real World! I LOVE getting drunk and DESPISE Tupperware!!!
Back to this Fred Durst issue, I'm thinking of it and I'm pretty sure he's dead. I know he wanted to be a major film director.......Yeah, and I wanted to go fishing with Jimmy Houston!!! Rest In Peace, Nookie!!!! *
* I actually have always wanted to go fishing with Jimmy Houston
So this brings us to the big ending of the two-part episode. SPOILER- Kevin Costner built the field to bring back his ghost dad....no, not Bill Cosby....his dad who is a baseball-playing-fucking ghost!!! .....Whoops, turned off the Real World in favor of Field of Dreams on the WAM channel (which has nothing to do with waking people up before you go-go). Anyway, Adam gets kicked out of the hotel by a motley crew of a security team that looks like they should be robbing a construction site at the end of Bottlerocket.
And there you have it. I remember when TV two-parters were entertaining-as-hell specials; like when Tom Hanks slapped the shit out of Alex P. Keaton or when Arnold Drummond almost got raped in the bicycle shop like a kid version of Marsellus Wallace when Zed was violating him. But alas, this is Reality TV. And woe is us. As Bob Dylan would say, "things have changed." Yes, they have. I just thank God that Fred Durst isn't alive to see it.