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Real World:Vegas from the East Side Part 3

Screen shot 2011-03-13 at 1.21.12 PM (Part 3 of Dave McDonald’s 12-part series of articles about MTV’s The Real World.   Originally published March 28, 2011 on


Hell On Earth Part III

The Jersey Shore demons have now spawned their evil onto my precious Real World

Why, oh why, has the word "smoosh" become synonymous with "have sex," "engage in intercourse," or (the preference of many a common people)........ "fuck"? Every time someone from Jersey Shore says it, be it the Irish J-Wow or Latino Snooki, I quietly cry to myself that the youth of America is slowly devolving into talking like the Muppets.  Whereas in my day, I might plead (unsuccessfully might I add) for a girl to "bang" me, at least that sounded like a primal activity.  When these fruitcakes use the designation "smoosh" for fucking, I feel as if Elmo will take his puppet cock out and start boning one of the female mice puppets.  Then in true reality TV fashion, Elmo will go into the Confessional to proclaim that he's "the man" and "what Elmo wants, Elmo gets"....... or some other hideous cliche.

My point is this- those mutants on the Jersey Shore have their own language and way of talking mainly because they're most likely from a different solar system.  They are not one of us.  So then why on earth do these Real World freaks have to use their shitty vocabulary?  Why?!?!  I'm ASKING YOU!!!!   And you know who Smooshed? The Small Town white boy who talks black when around a black person-  Dustin.  And Heather.  And...fuck!!! I see an interminable romantic plotline a la Sammi and Ronnie from Jersey Shore where these two will like each other, then smoosh (fuck, now I'm doing it!) then break up, and blah, blah I wish a Deadliest Catch marathon was on rather than this poop!

Dustin, by the way, has a new unconscionable nickname for Michael.  Ready?  You ready for the most creative and funny nickname you ever heard?  OK, here it is-------it's Mike-Mike.  This fucking guy calls Michael...... Mike-Mike.  No one else calls him Mike-Mike.  Michael's family and friends do not call him Mike-Mike.  NO ONE calls him fucking Mike-Mike! Yet here is this southern fart Dustin calling him Mike-Mike.  Why?  Is one "Mike" not sufficient?  Does one "Mike" not do it for you, Dustin, you whore?  Do we have to now double-up on all names? (Here's the President- batting- Jeter-Jeter)    What the shit is this?  Oh, I forgot.  The Jersey Shore Devils have influenced a generation of young monkeys who now need to "change it up."  Fo Shizzle, yo! I'm down! Dave-Dave is down with yo' shittttt!

And, Dustin (or should I call him Dus-Dus now?), I know you like the Situation but Heavens to Betsy please put a fucking shirt on!!!  You're in a modern, 21st century hotel in Las Vegas for fucks sake, I'm pretty sure there is A.C.  Turn the thermostat to the "cool" setting and throw on a polo!! And if you're still so warm you have to go through life shirtless then I strongly suggest you go to the hospital as I'm pretty sure you have some fucking Super Fever which has perpetually raised your blood temperature to Anakin Skywalker post-the-lava-incident levels!! You hear me, Dus-Dus? You hear me, dawg!!!

Also, Dus-Dus's mom is bi-polar.  He told us that on the episode in what was supposed to be a Deep Moment.....but I admit I laughed.  Then I started talking like Dus-Dus: "My mom-mom's is, like, bananas!! Shiiiiiiiit!!"    I didn't feel bad for a guy who can't wear clothing on the upper body.  Plus, I'm pretty sure he too is not human.  Dus-Dus reminds me of some wacky 1980's movie, man-robot; spewing off language he thinks will relate him to other humans but, oh shit son, he's using the words in the wrong context! Look for Anthony Michael Hall and Kelly Lebrock to co-star in this '80's fun-fest!!

And what does "cop him out" mean?  This phrase was uttered multiple times.  As in, "every time that kid does something stupid you cop him out?"  I have no idea.  Does it mean "defend him"?  Seriously, what the fuck are these retarded shmizbo's saying?!  It hurts what's left of my television-corrupted soul to hear slang I am unfamiliar with! It's like these donkeys talk in code for jizz sake! And I can't take it!!

Producers and set builders for the Real World: STOP MAKING THE REAL WORLD HOUSE LOOK AS IF A CLOCKWORK ORANGE WAS FILMED IN IKEA.  Enough with the orange and red.  I fear the sets are so bright that they will cause my television to explode soon.  And then how am I gonna watch A Minute To Win It, dogsie?!

Last thing.  My favorite part of the show was when Adam (who got all drunk and nuts and shit) almost got into a fight with Leroy when Leroy was miffed at some of Adam's otherwise uncultured behavior.  Translated- Leroy told Adam to "eat a dick."  Adam then responded by saying he was indignant at this offensive statement imparted in Adam's direction.  Translated again- Adam said, "don't tell me to eat a dick."  At which point the conversation went similarly to this: "Oh yeah? Well......I says it another a dick."   "No, I don't like eating dicks."   "Fo' reals?"    "Reals."   It was Tarantino-esque dialogue I tells ya!!!!

Truth is- these Jersey Shore wannabe's on the Real World should.....All......Eat......Dicks.


Check out East Side Dave McDonald on Sirius 206, XM 105 every Saturday at 8 PM EST.... and his website or follow him on twitter @EastSideDave