Hell On Earth Part II
The Real World as an allegory for privileged, young idiots....maybe not so much of an allegory afterall
East Side Dave McDonald here. I host a show on Sirius XM Satellite Radio called Special Delivery Starring Sam & Dave. I work in Jersey radio. I do a weekly sports show (the Davey Mac Sports Program) on the Internet. I understand what it is to want my voice heard.... I really do. And yet never....EVER....in my life have I thought of uttering the phrase: "He has some serious swagger for a white boy." Yup. And what qualified person of color made this superficial statement? Heather- blond, hobbit-esque, and- oh yeah- white.
Yessir! Dustin got some serious swagger, yo! For a WHITE boy, that is! And the thing about Dustin- when he a.) hangs out with a black guy or b.) gets angry at a white guy who he feels he can intimidate, he really can affect not only a swagger, but some SERIOUS attitude, SON! That's right.....Dustin likes calling people "son" when he's mad at them. Are you serious, son?! You for reals, son?? I gots to do some shitties, son! *
* was not actually said
And why was Dustin so angry? Because a guy Dustin's known for four minutes made out with a girl Dustin's known for three minutes. But Dustin is POSITIVE this girl is the one for him. The girl? Little Heather. She's like a miniature Jewel. I bet at some point in this season, we hear that Heather lived in a miniature van in mini-Alaska (Oregon?) while she struggled to become a miniature singer. If Jewel was smart she'd put diminutive Heather atop her piano during live shows the way Dr. Evil did with Verne Troyer. Then everyone in the audience could try to pelt them with coins.
As for the guy Dustin was angry with- Michael- this younger Bill Gates character is smart. We know that he's smart because when he uses words like "electricity" and "storm" the rest of the roomates say stuff like, "Whoa! You so smart and shit!" Also heard in this vain are the sentences- "Mike be, like, a genius!" and "Mike so intelligent he just made my dumb ass fart!" *
* was not actually said
By the way, Dustin was pissed off at Michael for kissing Heather during a game of Truth Or Dare and.....uh, how do I say this......Dustin may or may not have done MALE PORN FOR MONEY! Not that it matters what kind of porn one does, but nevertheless, Dustin, you fucking hypocritical backwoods jizz-mop! I'd say pull your head out of your ass, Dustin, but you'd have to remove the large dildo first. Anyway, this silly douche-ary was so petty it made Pedro's peanut butter situation with Puck in Real World: San Francisco look like a Presidential debate.
Hold on! We ain't done yet, son! Big News----- Adam, the "Bad Boy" (if you're an idea of a Bad Boy entails a guy who probably could get beaten up by Andy Dick), well this rebel likes drinking. And on this past episode Adam got so drunk he broke an empty bottle on the floor. Shit! I thought I was watching the Ghost of Jim Morrison out there! *
* author is lying
I mean, I can't believe I've never thought of finishing a bottle of alcohol and then throwing it to the ground! If I had, then I could be a self-ordained, uninteresting "bad boy" like Adam. And guess what? One of the room-mates, Nany, has a thing for bad boys! Oooooooh, this is gonna be good. Terrell Owens would say, "get your popcorn ready" for situations like these but I hate T.O and so I shan't be quoting him. I'll choose Joe Neikro instead- "get your nail files ready!"
Yeah. That's right, Nany says Adam is "her type." Hold on, my dog is so bored by this show she just threw up. Ok, I'm back. I love when people who are barely out of their teenage years say they have "a type." That's like a six-year-old saying, "You know, I think I'm gonna stop smoking." It's fruitless, pointless, and lessless. Outside of these two seismic events which were hardly seismic at all nothing much happened. So I think I'll say seismic again...........seismic.
Two episodes in and I can truthfully say that these kids and myself deserve Hell. And, trust me, friends- we will find it together. Hand in hand. We gonna burn, SON!!!!