Hell On Earth
A look into the evil that is MTV's the Real World
Hello. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is David. Some call me East Side Dave. Some call me Davey Mac. I call myself an addict. A pathetic, reality TV addict where what's left of my soul is swallowed up by people who, in real life, I usually would not be interested in. I've noticed that the only people website commenting on these shows are other reality TV....what do you call these creatures?.....contestants, characters, stars, etc. Jonny Fairplay noticed this, too. So he wanted an outsider's opinion on one the founding fathers- MTV's The Real World. It also helped that no one from The Real World wanted to participate in this farce and so Fairplay was forced to ask for my assistance.
But that does not mean that I am not qualified to analyze the Real World. I come to you from the point of view of someone who usually ends up disliking 88% of the cast and who has not thoroughly enjoyed the show in years, yet watches because the Real World is as addictive to me as any of your standard narcotics. The show has been around for twenty years and we've come a long way from Eric and Becky and Norman, my friends. Reigndance is over and done with. I believe Becky is now a singing-drunkard-bartender. Julie has lost all her teeth. Eric Neise is an evangelist. Heather is in prison on animal cruelty charges. And Kevin has gone blind.
OK, some of those things are not true. But that is how I prefer to think of that great, original cast which was unique and new. Kevin was the angry, black guy. Julie was the green, young girl who was gonna experience the Big City. And so on. You know the Real World characters. And guess what? Not much has changed. They are the same, if not worse- cartoon characters of American youth. No matter how they were educated, many of them are dim, non-living, inexperienced vampire-whores who, for some odd reason, are opinionated about an array of topics they know nothing about. It begs the question- was I...no...were WE as heartlessly stupid as these overconfident assholes when we were in our early 20's? I shutter to think that the answer may be "yes." I also choose not to believe it. When I was 20 I knew enough to know that I didn't know shit. Which is why I guess I find these lucky clowns still compelling after all these years- they really are freaks. They were picked to stand in front of camera and spew egotistical gibberish and they feel like they are now better than us.
For God's sake, at least in Big Brother or Survivor you have to play a game! I suppose in shows like that you are at least accomplishing something. In the Real World, they do jack and shit! And yet they love themselves way too much. Always be suspicious of people who love themselves too much. The kind of people who look in the mirror and think they look...."hot".....are pure evil and belong in the Book of Revelation. They are not the kind of people who wait in line at 7-Eleven for a Slurpee and a porn magazine. They are better than us...or at least they think they are.
But listen, I don't know these people. Maybe this cast will be different. Maybe we will get at least three new types of personalities that we haven't seen before. Or maybe we'll get Leroy, the angry, young, black guy. And we'll get Naomi, the sassy inner-city Latino girl who will remind us at every turn what her neighborhood is like and how "shit goes down" where she comes from and blah, blah, "I'm from the 'hood," blah, blah. Look for this to surface especially during drunken arguments with her white roomates. Oh yes. I won't be only picking on people of ethnicity. Damnit do I hate the young, pie-eyed white cock from the small town who thinks he's shy and funny and shy and, did he mention he's just from a small town and is shy? YES!! We fucking get it! You're shy! Well guess what, people? The Real World has cast TWO of these assholes! One who will use this gimmick to woo women and the other will use it to look like a jackass on television. These two guys are named Dustin and Michael. But they should be called the Fuckstick Twins.
Then we have Heather. She seems nice enough. A tiny little blond girl who yips and yaps like my three-legged Pomeranian. I can't say anything bad about Heather because she reminds me of Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba and hating Foofa is like hating on marshmallows and rainbows. Let's skip her and go to Nany. I don't trust her for some reason. I want to put that on the table. I will gauge her behavior and document the findings. I will keep my eye on her. And if I go missing for more than three days, you'll know who to blame. Blame Nany. She had me killed.
This brings us to the final contestant on the Real World showcase showdown- and this character's name is Adam. Remember Eminem in Eight Mile? So does Adam. Because he's ripped everything from his look to his demeanor to his background from Rabbit. Although, I did find it interesting that this hardcore white kid is from....ahem.....Maine? Huh? Since when did Maine produce this kind of vapid, trendy dick-fuck? I thought Maine spawned freaks like....um....like.....well apparently I know very little about Maine. Maybe a This Old House marathon will come on PBS and then my opinion will become more informed. Anyway, Adam and people like Adam are the most transparent mother-fuckers in the world. The gold chain, the white T-shirt, the baggy jeans. We get it, fucko! You like rap; which, for a white person, makes you better than other white people but still inferior (street-cred-wise) to blacks.
And how absolutely non-shocked I was when Adam 13 Inches of Snow told us that he's a "player." Oh watch out, Nany- you about to be PLAYED, honey pie! Even if you do look like a younger Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef, you GONNA GET PLAYED! Christ, why am I watching this fucking show?!?!? Why, after all these years, do I pry my eye lids open and strap myself to the couch a la Alex from A Clockwork Orange only to get systematically disappointed year after fucking year! Because God Damn Johnny Fairplay and his dead fucking grandmother somehow convinced me to do this, that's why! A curse on Fairplay's house! And why else do I watch this eternally shitty show? Because my name is David. And I am an addict. Nice to meet you.