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Charlie & David Don't Surf (The Land of the Big Brother Part III)

  (Published originally in on July 7, 2013)

It's been a tough decade for surfers, dear readers. First, some little blonde girl named Bethany Hamilton got her damned arm eaten by a fucking shark while she was hanging ten, as it were. Then, the movie released about her life, Soul Surfer, sucked giant elephant dicks. I saw it once on Showtime at 3:30 in the morning while I was jacked up on NyQuil and DayQuil; and I thought I was about to lose my already-scrambled mind. "This girl isn't brave for continuing to surf after being chewed on by a shark," I thought to myself while snorting Robitussin, "she is just plain stupid. Shitties, I would NEVER go back into the water again if a shark gobbled on any of my limbs unless I had a fucking bazooka with me. Then, I'd promptly send all of those soulless finned cocksuckers straight to Hell. BOOM! Take that, Sharks. You are the Assholes of the Sea. BLAM! And that one is for the fucking Kintner boy, Sharks. Suck it."

Anyway, as I was saying before I went on that drugged-out weird tangent about fish-life, these have been hard times for surfing folk. And that trend continued this week with David, the self-described San Diego "beach bum" who seemed more like an unpaid extra from Point Break. I was half-hoping he would leap out at the Aryan chick with a President's mask on and rob her before she could get out another one of her quaint, home-spun, Southern phrases like "Go cook some rice, Asian lady."

David was not long for Big Brother. He was too much of a character. People only like characters on shows like Game Of Thrones and/or Maury Povich. But it is not wise to reveal your personality too early on Big Brother. That's why, should I ever get cast on the program, I would probably get evicted from the house before I put my damned luggage on the floor. People would see a giant red-headed gentlemen with t-shirt that would probably read something to the effect of "I Heart Farts" while wearing one of those obnoxious and out-dated helmets that has the two beers stapled to the side of it because, SHIT YO, I'm fuckin' wacky and I can't be bothered to hold beer cans with my fucking HANDS!! No way, Jack!! The Dave Man needs those hands to inappropriately touch the women room-mates while spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread!! The Dave Man is fucking NUTS, America!! Don't evict his ass!!

Anyway, who knows what will happen to that Nazi cheerleader now that her surfer-dick is gone...but I'm sure as shit that somewhere, Hitler is fucking LOVING this show. Avita zein!!

Dave Stand Up 1