News & Videos

Original articles, news, and videos!

DIRECTV Has Failed Me Again.

I refuse to pay my DIRECTV bill for the next sixteen years; nor should I have to.  Why, you ask?  Because while we've gotten four, little inches of snow here in Monmouth County, New Jersey,  my "television service" is now totally down.  This means that I cannot watch Friday's mega-exciting Round of 64 during March Madness.  I even went outside (in my Empire Strikes Back-Hoth underwear) and checked the enormous satellite dish on my roof, and the bloody thing is totally unobstructed.  And because of this, I am demanding that DIRECTV pay me ten million dollars or I'm going to sue them for mental collapse (and bad TV providing).  As a result, I'm forced to watch a fictitious college basketball game, in the form of the film Blue Chips (a Nick Nolte tour-de-force).  And screw Ricky for asking for that tractor.  I might sue him, too.  That is all.

- East Side Dave