(Published in BigBrotherGossip.com on Sept. 1, 2013)
Before you bite my dick off and spit it out onto the floor and stomp on it because I haven't written a Big Brother blog post in a month, let me explain. OK? That's the least you could God Damn do. I'll be honest with you people. I'll tell you the truth as to my whereabouts for the previous thirty days and then hopefully you'll understand.
I was kid-napped by a band of criminal midgets who time travel. We went all over place. We saw great historical people like Napoleon and Sean Connery. It was nuts.
Alright, alright, I was lying just there. That was the film "Time Bandits". I'm sorry. Let's just move past this and start fresh. OK. I'll just come clean and we'll continue our friendship.
Anyway, I was locked inside the world famous Frankinson Fart Factory, where they make farts all day.
Fine. That was another lie.
The truth is that I got a new job and simply haven't had the time to write shit down. But it being Labor Day Weekend and all, I've decided to get back into the swing of things. So here's my take on a few developments.
I think Amanda and McCrae may turn into a couple. Also, I'm pretty sure Elissa is related to someone. Jesus, just how long have I been away anyway?
I can't stand these unanimous evictions. This is the biggest collection of spineless people I've seen since I was at a Christopher Reeve Clone Convention.
I guess I'll root for Judd but if he says "J-U-Double-D" one more time while talking about himself I'm gonna puke on my dog. Fuck it. I think I'm gonna puke on my dog anyway so that I can put it up on Instagram.
That little Daisy David Duke broad Aaryn finally got kicked out of the house. She kind of reminded me of a young version of Marge Schott, the deceased Cincinnati Reds owner who threw around N-bombs like a liquored-up priest giving out indulgences and hand jobs.
The season has lacked a lot of drama, especially on Thursday nights. It's sad when you get more plot twists and better story-lines out of Jeff Foxworthy's "American Bible Challenge" (a real fucking game show that I recently stumbled upon all high an' shit. It features three-person teams who play in a knock-down battle to see who knows the most about the Bible. I felt like I was on acid when I saw three sassy women who went by the name "Preachin' Divas" start high-fiving after exclaiming "Ezekiel!").
Maybe this week something good will happen...like a large asteroid hitting the Big Brother house. That would be a weird way to go. You're sitting there, eating some slop, and a giant fucking space rock slams into the kitchen and rips Gina Marie's head right the fuck off. A part of you would have to be thinking, "Wow, the special effects for these P.O.V. competitions have really improved. I mean, it REALLY looks like 'GM' has just been decapitated. Cool."
Shit, not even Zing-bot was good this year. I can't believe I just wrote that fucking sentence.
So enjoy the rest of the season at your own peril, ladies and gentlemen. As for me, I just vomited on my Pomeranian. What? I told you I was gonna do it.
- Davey Mac
"East Side" Dave McDonald is a national radio host for SiriusXM Satellite Radio. Listen to his show, the Davey Mac Sports Progam XL, every Saturday at 7 PM Eastern, 4 PM Pacific, on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103). Follow him on Twitter (https://twitter.com/EastSideDave) and visit his website- http://www.EastSideDaveCountry.com/