Would you like to touch it?

a.) If by “it” you mean your ass, Dave Man, and “touch” you mean tie it to a flag pole in the center of a Mexican village and detonate it like a pale, fleshy pinata…then HELLS YEAH!! (27%)

b.) This poll question is too creepy for me, David.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go remove the eye balls of my mother’s corpse who I’m keeping in my bed. (23%)

c.) I would LOVE to touch it, Davey Mac, but I just lost a bet and had to chop off my arms!!  Oh well!! (26%)

d.) I just called the S.W.A.T. team, Dave…you have about thirty seconds to evacuate, you fucking pervert. (24%)

Let’s go!!  You know you WANT it!!  Then touch it!!  Touch it nice!!  Yeah!!!  That’s good!!  Owwww!!  Not so rough!!  Hey, you’re biting it!!!!  Ahhhhhhh!!!!  We’re bleeding!!!  Listen to this past Saturday’s explosive Davey Mac Sports Program XL on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  Go to Sirius XM On Demand and hear the show!!!  Owwwww!!!  Call 9-1-1!!!  We’re fucking bleeding!!!

How was your weekend?

a.) Excellent, Dave Man!!  I tied to turtles together and blew them up with dynamite!!  Yeeehhhaaww!! (24%)

b.) I didn’t do anything special, David.  I just stayed home and glued my dick to a jigsaw puzzle. (26%)

c.) I got so drunk, Davey Mac, that I somehow woke up with no right hand!!!  That’s the last time I go to a Wine ‘N’ Severed Limbs party!!! (27%)

d.) I just farted. (23%)

Oh yeah, sweet shits!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program XL is LIVE as always this Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio, and we want YOU to join us and maybe even jerk it with us for a while!!  Tune in to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206, XM 103) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific, for a radio fuck-fest!!  Call in at 866-WOW-1-WOW!!!  Topics for the show shall include:

* Chiclets- we know it’s a gum but the name sounds borderline racist to us.

* America’s favorite concert pianist, Michael Van Pee, plays his brilliant new piece, poetically titled- “I Wish I Could Slam My Wife’s Head Into The Mailbox Over And Over Again…The Lying Bitch”

* Country music’s newest stars, the Tits Sisters, perform their new hit- “Fuck Us In The Ass, America”

* Canada’s greatest surgeon, Dr. Edward Jumms, discusses his new memoir- When My (Male) Patients Are Under Anesthesia, I Often Stick My Fingers In Their Asses

* And Dave and Pepper cut each other’s dicks off!

We’ll see you Saturday, dogsies!!

Suck ya later…dicks!!!

I have horrible allergies. Help me.

a.) Sure, Davey Mac! I’ll help you…by fucking your ass with my over-sized, blue-ribbon, county fair-winning zucchini, you sick son of a bitch!! (26%)

b.) I don’t help anyone with anything, David.  And that includes my pet duck, Puffy, when he started quacking in horror for help as I was eating his brain. (23%)

c.) I’m in jail, Dave Man.  No can do!!! (24%)

d.) I’ll help you, Diddy…by cutting off your fucking nose and feeding it to my grandpa!!  Hahahaha!!  …I’m also in jail… (27%)

Correctomundo!!  Barring Sirius XM Satellite Radio exploding like the Death Star (which is possible), the Davey Mac Sports Program XL from this past Saturday will be up in the On Demand section today!!  Check it the fuck out!!  Dave and Pepper rock and jock the shit out of broadcasting!!  Gabe gets a new nick-name!!  Medina murders Cousin Brucie’s producer!!  Grapes are eaten!!  Booze is drunk!!  And four to five Canadians are sacrificed!!  Enjoy!!

Do you believe in ghosts?

a.) Yeah, Dave Man!!  I’m fucking one right now!!  Yeeeeehhhhaaawww!! (25%)

b.) I do not believe in anything related to the paranormal, David.  I’m a skeptic.  I do, however, enjoy shoving large needles up a frog’s anus. (24%)

c.) I only believe in gettin’ HIGH, Diddy Mac!!  I’m so high right now, in fact, I’m thinking of blowing up my brother-in-law’s bowling alley!!  Boom!! (26% )

d.) Ghosts shmosts.  I prefer the famed Dildo Monster of New Mexico. (25%)

Fuck to the YEAH!!!  The Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is back from a one week sabbatical because of Sean O and his wife having a baby!!  Thus, this week’s kick-fucking-ass episode is dedicated to ALL babies everywhere, plus the people who make them!!  The show is ALSO dedicated to my DICK!!!  Get it NOW on iTunes and/or RiotCast.com!!!

AND, listen to the Davey Mac Sports Program XL, LIVE as always, this Saturday on Sirius XM Satellite Radio!!  Tune to the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 103) at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific!!  And make sure you wash your ass!!  It’s gonna get fucked hard by the monkey!!  Peace!!

It’s a very special May First Davey Mac Report and we here at EastSideDaveCountry shall congratulate our friend, Sean O, who today is having his third baby boy!!  His dick must REALLY be hurting by now!!

Just shitting.  Sean O and his wonderful wife are going into labor today!  As a result, we will not be having our episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) this week due to babies and whatnot!!  We WILL be live on Sirius XM Satellite Radio this Saturday, however, sucking and fucking the night away!!

It seems like just yesterday that I myself had two kids (a boy and a girl)…and BOY does my dick hurt!!

Just shittin’.

I love kids.  What with their little hands and feet and all.  They’re especially fun to roll down a hill in a pillow case while they scream, “HELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!”

The other great thing about kids is how dumb they are.  I mean, kids barely know how to multiply.  Come to think of it, I barely know how to multiply, also…AND I regularly shit my pants…so I guess kids and me aren’t that different, are we?!?!  Bllaaaarrrrggg!!!!

I remember when my wife was in labor with our first child, our little daughter, and she was having a difficult time…or at least that’s what the nurses told me…I can’t say I saw it first-hand…I was watching the Yankees game while eating a roast beef sub in the waiting room.  Hey, I was hungry…don’t fucking judge me!!!

Babies are cute.  Sometimes I would put little ski masks on my babies and go into a bank and say, “Put all your lollipops in a fucking bag…this is a robbery!!!!”

I like it when kids and small animals fight.  I always put my money on the child, because ferrets have no toughness.  Then again, maybe I shouldn’t tie the ferret’s hands behind his back…that’s not exactly fair.

Anyway, it’s a good day to be an American!!

-Dave (5/1/13)

How was your Cinco de Mayo, homies?

a.) Excellent, Davey Mac!  I ended up going back to the orphanage in Mexico that I was raised in and blowing it the fuck up!!  Ay caramba!! (24%)

b.) I don’t celebrate holidays, David.  Instead, I stay at home and jerk off to March of the Penguins. (23%)

c.) I had an AWESOME time, Dave Man!!  I dropped acid and tied my dad to a chair and painted his face like clown!  (26%)

d.) I just farted a lot… (27%)