Thunder in Paradise! Starring Kevin Hulk Durant and Terry Hulk Hogan! (6/7/12)
It’s your June Seventh Davey Mac Sports Report and the Thunder are in the NBA Finals as predicted by “moi” (which is French for a red-headed man that eats peanut M&M’s naked on the toilet). OKC finished off San Antonio last night with a 107 to 99 win and a handy. Said the Spurs’ Tim Duncan: “The loss really hurt. And, quite frankly, so did the handy. I don’t know if those guys use billiard chalk or something but they had some mother-fucking DRY hands!!! They should change their name to the Oklahoma City Chafe-Causers!! Shit!!”
I do feel bad, however, for Seattle. They supported the Supersonics well for years and how did NBA Commissioner David Stern repay that loyal city? By moving their now-NBA Title-contending team to Oklahoma in the middle of the God-Damned night!! Fuck David Stern. Oh well. I guess Seattle can hold their heads high with the fact that they’re still the hometown of such stars as Kenny G and Sir Mix-a-Lot…on second thought…fuck YOU, Seattle!!! Sir Mix-a-Lot?!?! Fuck!! We get it, he likes big butts already!!! Move on, dawg!!! There’s other shit on a chick to look at!!! Screw off, Seattle!!!
In the Stanley Cup Finals, the Devils avoided elimination by beating the Kings last night, 3 to 1. This is the most fighting spirit New Jersey has shown since the Battles of Monmouth and Princeton respectively in a little thing called the God-Damned American Revolution!!! Yeah!!! Make fun of the Garden State all you want, you bastards, but it doesn’t have the nickname “The Crossroads of the Revolution” for nothing!! Did you ever see that famous picture of George Washington on that crappy boat about to kick some Limey ass? Well, that was Washington crossing the Delaware River, on his way to Jersey, about to shit down the Brits’ mouths in the pivotal Battle of Trenton…in New Jersey!!! So the next time you’re watching Snooki stick a pickle up her vagina and snickering, remember, if it wasn’t for New Jersey, we’d all be talking like Jude Law right now!!! And that’d be fucking torture!!!!
Tonight the Celtics try to close out the Heat in Boston. If the the Heat end up losing, expect huge changes in Miami. If I was the GM, I would trade Dwyane Wade, because I simply don’t think that he clicks with LeBron James. Also, I’d like to replace Chris Bosh’s head with a robot one. Furthermore, I’d glue a tail to head coach Erik Spoelstra’s butt. And finally, I’d change the name of the team from the “Heat” to the “Cum” in order to attract the South Beach porn crowd. Hey, they’re big spenders!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Alabama women’s softball team who won the Women’s College World Series. Good for you, ladies…now get back in the kitchen and make me some biscuits!!!!! Just kidding. I was just being the silly sexist guy. I didn’t mean it. Well…I mean…I really do want biscuits…but it doesn’t need to be a woman who makes them for me!!! I want to make that absolutely clear!! Shit, if a fucking chipmunk can make the Dave Man some biscuits then I’ll take it!!! BISCUITS!!!!!!
This week’s internet version of the Davey Mac Sports Program is now available! Just search Davey Mac Sports Program on iTunes!!! Subscribe and enjoy!!! See ya tomorrow!!!
-Dave (6/7/12)
